Dear Lonny (whoever the hell you are)

Dear Lonny,

I'm sure we don't know each other, as I think I'd remember meeting someone with a name as stupid as yours. And even though we're complete strangers and I just insulted you, I need to ask you a favor.

You see, it seems as though we have similar phone numbers. The reason I know this is because for the past several months, at a frequency of roughly once a week, I get a phone call intended for you. I use my phone a lot for work, and my monthly bill is costly enough with only the calls I NEED on it. Adding your friends' mistakes to it is becoming quite costly. That's not to mention the hassle of dropping whatever I'm doing, digging in my pocket to find my phone, trying to figure out who the hell is calling me, and fighting the urge to yell at them for making a stupid mistake.

So in order to make my everyday life less of a struggle and more cost efficient, as well as getting what I can only assume are very urgent phone calls directly to you, please consider the following suggestions:

1) Get a new phone number. I know it's a pain in the ass, and I would gladly do it myself, except, as I said earlier, I use my phone a lot for work, and I've been handing out my current phone number all over LA for about a year and a half. If I were to change it now, I'd essentially be starting over. Seeing as how you live in Leominster, I doubt you have anything important riding on keeping your number.

2) Get some smarter friends. I know Leominster is a small town, but I'm sure you could find at least a handful of people who can tell their asshole from their elbow.

3) Kill yourself. A little extreme, sure, but at least people would stop trying to call you.

Feel free to try out one or all of the above. Be creative - mix and match a little. Have fun with it! Or, if you're feeling up to it, come up with your own solutions. There are really no rules, so long as it results in your idiot friends no longer calling me. Good luck.

Best,
Nick