Wednesdays With Jesus

This afternoon, there was a knock on my door, which I found irritating in itself, because really, when is that not an inconvenience? This time, I happened to be playing "Modern Warfare 2," and I was playing very well; better than I ever have, as a matter of fact. So interruption was even less welcome than usual. Adding to this, my roommate had already had a run-in with our downstairs neighbors about noise from our apartment the night before. As I walked toward the door, I began readying a list of excuses and/or apologies for whatever slight may have been committed.

Upon answering the door, however, I found not a neighbor, but two young women in skirts, button down shirts, sweaters and, alarmingly, name tags. They introduced themselves:

"Hi, I'm so-and-so." (I can't remember her name, but it was very stupid-sounding)

"And my name is something else stupid-sounding," said the other.

It wasn't until I shook hands with each of them that I noticed they each held a bible. I stared at them, silent. A moment passed before one of them uncomfortably asked.

"What's your name?"

I don't know why I didn't just volunteer that information.

"I'm Nick. What can I do for you?"

I already knew.

"We're representatives of Jesus Christ."

"Wow, that sounds like a lot of responsibility," I replied. "How's it going?"

"We were wondering if there was anything you needed help with?"

I stared again, silent.

"Any dishes that you need washed? Trash taken out?"

Hey, as long as they're offering...

"My car could use a wash," I told her.

She looked genuinely surprised, as if no one had taken her seriously yet. Before she could respond, the other girl jumped in.

"Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" she asked.

In that instant, I found myself faced with an extremely difficult decision. On the one hand, I love theological debates. Love 'em. I am an outspoken (and smug) atheist. I've read hundreds of essays, books, and articles, watched countless hours of debates, and over the last several years, I've crafted dozens of bullet proof arguments. I absolutely love these debates.

On the other hand, I've found that these debates are only worth having with people who haven't been fully indoctrinated into a religion. These girls had clearly drank the Kool-Aid. As tempted as I felt to engage them, I knew I wasn't going to change any minds. So I thought I'd have a little fun instead.

"Believe in him how? Like, do I believe that he existed? Or do I believe that he'd come through in the clutch?"

She appeared very confused. "Umm..."

"I mean, if Jesus Christ is up in the bottom of the 9th, full count, down by one, with a runner on, do I believe that he'd put it over the fence?"

"No, I mean..."

"Because I just don't know enough about his bat to make that kind of judgment. Plus, the guy's got a serious history of injuries. Dude had holes in his hands AND feet."

One of them seemed quietly amused; the other did not. "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?" she asked.

I paused. She really wanted to get an answer out of me.

"Who's pitching? Is it Pontius Pilate?"

She appeared to be very agitated at this point. "Please, this is a serious question. Do you have Jesus' love in your life?"

"Here's the thing - I just don't know if I want to have this conversation with you," I said, a little uneasy.

"Why not? Have you sinned?"

"Yeah, probably. But that's not it."

"Then what is it? We can help you."

"I just... I mean, from what I know about Jesus, he was a really scrawny guy, so if he's gonna put one out, he'd have to be dead pull hitter. I don't know what the dimensions of Nazareth's ball park are, and they're probably only gonna pitch him breaking stuff away."

Visibly irritated, the girl let out an audible, exaggerated sigh. "Thank you for your time," she said, and the two walked off.

I stepped out, into the hallway and continued. "What direction is the wind blowing? Who's batting behind Jesus? If it's someone like Luke, I feel like they'd pitch around Jesus to get to him."

The girls were already knocking on the door at the next apartment.

"How many apostles do I have on the bench? Could I pinch hit for him?"

My neighbor answered his door, and the girls began their routine again, so I stepped back inside and shut my door.

Snout

This begins (hopefully) the chronicle of the traveling snout. My dad made this out of clay and a paper towel tube; I don't know where the hair came from, and I can't decide if I hope it's his or not. As the current owner of the snout, my job is to keep and maintain it "for a while," then pass it on to someone who will do the same. I am the third owner, the first two being my dad and my brother. Already the snout has made two cross country trips, having traveled from Oregon to Massachusetts, and then from Massachusetts to California.

I have a few people in mind who I trust to keep the snout and then pass it along, but I sort of like the idea of the snout traveling every time it's handed off. I also don't know how long "a while" is, but if I can stretch it out a few months, I think it has potential as a wedding gift (in true Tully fashion). So cross your fingers Howie or Jason.

There's Something Suspicious About Twitter...

Take a look at all the people who have recently started following my updates. I think it's clear what we're dealing with - POD PEOPLE.

Who REALLY Remebers Eunice Kennedy Shriver?

With the recent passing of Eunice Kennedy Shriver, much national attention has been called to her philanthropic work, most notably in founding the Special Olympics. But few people seem to remember what may have been her most important accomplishment - Ms. Shriver had an unheralded cameo in (and served as the inspiration for) the cult classic, "They Live!"

Proof That We're Fucked

According to a recent (Feb. '09) Gallup Poll, only 39% of Americans believe in evolution.

According to the same poll, 78% of Americans believe in angels.

Letter to Coors Light

Dear Coors Light,

In your recent ad campaign, you profess the importance of "cold insurance," which apparently involves a color changing label on the side of Coors Light cans. Your system, you claim, will help me to avoid drinking a warm beer. I'm all about innovation, Coors Light - I love the fact that my cell phone can take pictures, and that I can get peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. But these innovations have practical uses. For as much as I've tried, I just can't find the practicality in a temperature activated, color changing can. You see, I've had a system in place that, for as long as I can remember, has successfully kept me from drinking warm beer - I touch the can, and if it's cold, I can safely assume that the beer inside is also cold. It's that simple!

Now, according to YOUR system, the can changes color "when your beer is as cold as the Rockies." I'm not trying to split hairs here, Coors Light, but according the the Rocky Mountain National Park website, the average temperatures range from well below zero to the upper 80s, depending on season and elevation. So I'm forced to ask - does the color of the can reflect the CURRENT temperature of the Rockies? Because with what little knowledge the average Coors Light drinker is likely to have of the region, there stands a reasonable chance they could be getting either a frozen beer-sicle or an uncomfortably warm beer soup.

In the same ad campaign, you have also been heard to claim that cold beer is your "policy." I hope this isn't too embarrassing for you guys, but I feel obligated to let you know that cold beer is, in fact, not a policy. Policies typically involve a company's stance on matters such as customer privacy, returns, deliveries, or repairs. Cold beer is many things, including a product, a delicious beverage, and an adjective and a noun, but alas, it just does not qualify as a policy.

I hope this letter finds you well, Coors Light, and I also hope that I've been any kind of help to you. If you find yourself uncertain on matters of beverage temperature in the future, please feel free to give me a call anytime.

Best,
Nick Tully


------------------------------------------


Thank you for contacting MillerCoors.

We appreciate receiving both positive and negative reactions to our advertising endeavors. Customer commentary is extremely important and your comments have been shared with the appropriate personnel.

Your patronage is appreciated.

Sincerely,

MillerCoors Consumer Affairs Department
Ref: Case#N20471417

Sports Are Funny

Top headlines of the day:

Thinking Ahead

Using logic, we can safely assume that one of the following statements must be true:

1) Time travel will never be possible.

*or*

2) Time travel WILL be possible, but everyone in the future is an asshole for not coming back to warn us about Hitler.

A Rough Opening Day

It's still only the first day of Fantasy Baseball, but my team is opening wish a very poor showing (see below).

Dunkin' Donuts Fail

Sam Harris Makes a Joke and a Point

I don't really like putting things up here that aren't mine, but I love this guy.

You Can't Do Business Sitting On Your Ass

I've known my friend Adam for the better part of a decade now, and ever since I met him he's been talking about wanting to get a tattoo. For years, he's been debating with himself and others about what it should be and what it should say about himself. After seven long and thoughtful years, I am glad to report that today, Valentines Day 2009, Adam Malamut finally decided on a tattoo.



For the record - yes, it is a tattoo of a lobster holding two ice cream cones and sitting on a hammer.

Discussion Regarding the Efficacy of Robocop in a Terminator's Role

me - The T-800 has several obvious advantages over Robocop. He looks like a human so he can blend in much better, and he's much faster. But Robocop has an edge in applied weaponry - he's got a targeting system, so there's really no wild firing and missing, like the Terminator.

Adam - That's true, but Robocop has faced much tougher challenges than Sarah Connor. Like bigger, more powerful robots.

me - Well sure, but the fact is that if the machines had sent Robocop back, he would have killed Sarah Connor right away.

Jim - But they wouldn't have been able to send him back - you can only transport living organisms, not machines.

me - Well the T-800 is a robot wrapped in a human, so they could just wrap Robocop in a human. Then he would be a human wrapped in a robot wrapped in a human.


ADDENDUM - On the question of transporting advanced weaponry, as posed to Kyle Reese in the police station, the explanation of "nothing dead will go" holds little water. Using the same principle of a T-800 being surrounded by living tissue, thus fulfilling the requirement of a "field generated by a living organism," I submit the following: why not surgically implant a weapon in a cat or something? Sure, the cat pays a dear price on the other side of his time travel when the weapon must be retrieved, but hey, the fate of the world is at stake.

Got That, Chief?

There's Probably No God