Notes on a Fantasy Football Season

In a year marred by inconsistency and savage locker room beatings, the team that began the season with high expectations and even higher hopes has just completed its final death throes. Rock Hard Pwner, despite injuries and boneheaded waiver moves, entered the playoffs as the second seed with a first round bye, only to be knocked out in the second round by the sixth seed, Delhomme For MVP, and was forced to settle for a third place finish. As the organization prepares for its usual offseason proceedings, we would like to take a look back at the season that almost was with our year-end report cards.

QB - AARON RODGERS
You were a late round draft selection, but you quickly won the starting job over incumbent (read "incompetent") Ben Roethlisberger. While you put up solid numbers, we couldn't get over the fact that you shaved your beard. For that, sir, you are officially put on notice.
Grade - Check minus.

WR - T.J. HOUSHMANZADEH
You were drafted high due to your advanced skill set as a receiver, but more importantly, as a positive locker room influence. We remembered your contributions to the organization in years past, and we decided to reward you with a fat contract. Early signs were positive, as you racked up fantasy points over the first few weeks. Excitement soon gave way to disappointment, however, as your production began to decline at mid-season, capped off with an abortion of a game in the second round of the playoffs and a goose egg in the third place game. When the team needed you the most, you curled up and took a shit. Also, your hair is stupid. Consider yourself on notice.
Grade - Check minus.

TE - DALLAS CLARK
In a situation similar to Houshmanzadeh's, we drafted you high because of your past success with the franchise. Your clutch performances down the stretch last season helped secure a championship for the team. You were benched early due to injuries, and we waited as long as we could, but ultimately had to release you. Miraculously, you found good health and great success in the following weeks with our rivals, Texas St Armadillos. Real dickhead move, Clark. You're on notice.
Grade - Check minus.

RB - DARREN MCFADDEN
We drafted you in the third round. Do you have any idea how many quality players were still available in the third round? We could have drafted Anquan freaking Boldin. You were supposed to be this years Adrian Peterson, but instead you sat out for weeks with turf toe (you girl). Luckily, we were able to get some value for you in a trade for Kevin Faulk, but not before your glass jaw and lack of motivation cost the entire team. That is why you are now on notice.
Grade - Check minus.

RB - LEON WASHINGTON
A mid-season waiver claim, your playmaking ability made you an interesting option at RB or flex position. Your timing, however, was less than satisfactory. You seemed to know when we put you in the starting lineup, and for some reason you used each of those opportunities to take a giant ugly shit. Meanwhile, when you were sitting on the bench, you managed to outscore any individual starter on the team. You made the Rock Hard Pwner bench the most productive in the league. For that (and for playing for the Jets) we have put you on notice.
Grade - Check minus.

RB - ADRIAN PETERSON
Our first round draft pick, you more than lived up to expectations. You were, by far, the most consistent player on the team, and for that we are grateful. However, you were unable to deliver a championship to our deserving fans, and while you will not be put on notice, your evaluation will suffer for it.
Grade - Check minus.

How Fucking Awesome Is This?

This image is called the Hubble Ultra Deep Field (HUDF), and it's the deepest anyone has ever seen into space. A one million second exposure. They estimate that there are over 10,000 galaxies in this image, and the light began traveling toward Earth billions of years ago. Some of the galaxies seen are the first to have formed shortly after the Big Bang. The first goddamn thing to exist ever. Is in this fucking picture. It is so cool and kickass that I actually have to go the bathroom.


I've been reading about this and looking at it for days and I still can't wrap my head around it. This is nothing. There is so so so so much more to see. They compared this image to looking through an 8 foot long straw into the sky. That's how much and how little you can see.

Goddammit the Hubble telescope is awesome. I would marry it. Fuck fuck fuck that is awesome.

SUCK IT, MCCAIN

Nice

The Hate List

things that i hate

1) glass eyes
2) people referring to things as their "livlihood"
3) when people take too long at the drive thru window
4) VW beetles with car bras
5) grown men with pony tails
6) the phrase "in this post 9/11 world..."
7) Ikea
8) yellow cars
9) orange cars
10) the elderly
11) Asian women drivers
12) women who talk about their "eggs"
13) Matt Roloff
14) traffic lights that change right before you get there but nobody goes by the other way
15) Angry Steve
16) MacSolitaire
17) laptops that get way too goddamn hot
18) the Yankees
19) self-taken Facebook/MySpace pictures
20) TAHI Productions
21) shitty cars with awesome stereos
22) exagerrated sighs
23) Evel Kenieval
24) the phrase, "what's your 20?"
25) Sit 'n' Sleep commercials
26) people that ride their bikes during the morning commute
27) away messages that are song lyrics or are "inspirational"
28) the word "bro"
29) Sleater-Kinney
30) adults with braces
31) when successful people are referred to as "moguls"
32) televised poker
33) Sean's car
34) my Morroccan neighbors
35) Geraldo Rivera
36) the phrase/people who use the phrase "bane of my existence"
37) siamese twins
38) red left turn arrows
39) the Yankees
40) MAD TV
41) Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
42) The Red Hot Chili Peppers
43) Clubber Lang
44) loud chewing/eating
45) shoes with roller skates built in
46) Nancy Grace
47) people who call Wednesday "Hump Day"
48) people that type in all caps
49) when the shake machine at McDonalds is "broken"
50) those giant plug things that stretch out people's ear lobes
51) neck and face tattoos
52) the "I'm too cool for my face" haircut (emo)
53) people with overwhelming acne
54) Buddy Holly glasses
55) track suits
56) people with really small teeth
57) conversations about movie cliches
58) Carlos Mencia and people who think he's funny
59) half time interviews with football coaches
60) lists of things that are cool
61) white guys with dreadlocks
62) people who wear sweatpants in public
63) fanny packs
64) leg warmers
65) middle aged women who dress young
66) the fact that "Starbucks" is in my cell phone's iTAP dictionary
67) Trevor Bailey
68) the Carls Jr philly cheese steak commercial
69) DUI defense attorneys
70) female body builders
71) people that read every sign they see out loud
72) "undercover exposes" where a hot chick puts on a fat suit
73) Bravo's movie lists
74) guys who wear gloves at the gym
75) guys who wear wife beaters anywhere
76) audible grunting at the gym
77) people who believe that their zodiac sign actually means something
78) Madonna's British accent
79) NASCAR
80) cars that have a separate key to unlock the door
81) struggling actors
82) movies in which Eddie Murphy or Martin Lawrence play multiple parts
83) people that get offended by things that aren't offensive to them
84) movies that parody multiple other movies
85) Hawk Harrelson (chicago white sox announcer)
86) girls that make fish faces in every picture
87) Man-Uggs
88) people who make quotes with their fingers
89) Dakota Fanning
90) Hugh Laurie
91) food that specifies it contains "real" ingredients
92) text message conversations
93) names that are almost real names, like "Leeza" or "Bryant"
94) injury lawyers
95) movies that are described as "charming"
96) Hugh Grant
97) "The Insider"
98) tall shoes
99) the word "interesting" as a default adjective for everything
100) people who wear sunglasses indoors and/or at night
101) the word "tweens"
102) digital voice manipulation, a la Cher
103) commercials where people casually discuss side effects of medication amongst themselves
104) oversized shirts on undersized men
105) undersized shirts on oversized women
106) ads for TV shows that run in the corner during another TV show
107) Evanescence
108) military recruitment commercials
109) unnecessary use of the phoenetic alphabet
110) expository dialogue
111) pennies
112) soul patches (AKA - the upside-down Hitler)
113) people that buy Che Guevara t-shirts and/or posters
114) the phrase "paradigm shift"
115) "scary" movies that are rated PG-13
116) low riders
117) normal names that are spelled weird, like "Cheyne" and "Geoff"
118) guys who clip their cell phones to their belts
119) radio promos
120) shirts, hats, stickers, or buttons with quirky phrases on them (ie - "i do what the voices tell me")
121) when people use the copyright logo without having a copyright
122) flourescent headlights
123) people who give themselves nicknames
124) the name Topher
125) men with nose piercings
126) World of Warcraft
127) inspirational football movies
128) "Down With the Sickness" by Disturbed
129) amateur psychiatrists
130) Miatas
131) people that make you take off your shoes in their house
132) the fact that more sleep can actually make you more tired
133) NPR fund drives
134) reversable clothing
135) boat shoes
136) web sites that automatically play music
137) Wicca and people who (claim to) believe in it
138) the oracle in "The Matrix"
139) people who use Facebook/MySpace profile pictures that aren't them
140) political discussions with people who don't understand politics
141) the WNBA
142) automated customer service
143) Fergie
144) the remake of "The Shining"
145) Terrible Towels
146) people who wear their military uniforms in public
147) when adults use the word "jammies"
148) Facebook fliers
149) acting coaches
150) movie trailers that give explainations for their rating
151) cars that have those little flags attached to them
152) having to check if milk has gone bad
153) girl bands
154) references to 9/11 in commercials
155) when people use their middle name on Facebook
156) people who wear giant headphones in public
157) submarine-style pitchers
158) commercials that still use Smashmouth songs
159) sports fans who hate their home team
160) when days of the week are pronounced "Mondee, Tuesdee, etc"
161) Ricky Shroeder's multiple comeback attempts
162) people who ask questions of themselves instead of just making a statement
163) gold
164) "gifts" on Facebook
165) women with thick New Jersey accents
166) dance music
167) people who constantly claim they are being disrespected
168) Dave Matthews' voice
169) assistant directors
170) the way reporters talk
171) "Vote For Pedro" shirts and people who wear them
172) vanity license plates
173) flat brimmed hats turned slightly to the side with the tag still attached
174) emo guys who wear skin tight pants
175) chain wallets
176) epic music in movie trailers
177) the way Mike Mussina pitches from the stretch
178) people whose voicemail message says "you know what to do"
179) when people get shot in movies and then tear off their shirt to reveal a bulletproof vest
180) people who switch the "W" and "H" when they say words like "when" and "where"
181) stand up comedians with catch phrases
182) when people say the word "yay"
183) the "WE" network
184) when people who have a doctorate in something other than medicine demand to be called doctor
185) steering wheel covers
186) MTV Cribs
187) songs with any variation of "It's your life" or "It's my life" in the chorus
188) white women who act black
189) everything Paul McCartney has done since The Beatles broke up
190) songs that have several minutes of pointless silence at the end
191) Shaun White
192) Razor scooters
193) comedians whose entire act is impressions
194) when Netflix sends full frame versions of great movies
195) buying plane tickets
196) people who sign their Facebook wall posts
197) Shawne Merriman and the "lights out" dance
198) "Truth" anti-smoking ads
199) aspiring models
200) people who think being loud is the same as being funny
201) the Blue Collar Comedy guys
202) morning TV talk/news shows
203) when someone grabs just your fingers while shaking hands
204) most Robin Williams movies
205) limo versions of SUVs
206) Sister Patterson
207) bacne
208) people who think a close up and/or black and white photo of anything is brilliant photography
209) people who say "and such"
210) local sports broadcasters who refer to their team as if they are on it (frequent use of the word "we")
211) local sports broadcasters who refer to players on a first name basis
212) Guitar Center employees
213) when commercials are twice as loud as the show they're interrupting
214) Good Charlotte
215) Pedro Gomez
216) when people use umbrellas for shade
217) when songs have an excessive amout of feedback/droning noises at the end
218) children that have more musical talent than I do
219) when several people whistle in unison
220) Gary Sheffield
221) getting into my car after it's been sitting in the sun on a hot summer day
222) when a sale is called an "event"
223) Dane Cook
224) people who wear bluetooth headsets all the time
225) "Beautiful Girls" by Sean Kingston
226) Sallie Mae
227) people who say things like "get some good camera shots"
228) people who say "a little (insert anything) action" over and over
229) Buy.com
230) sportscasters that describe everything as being "tremendous"
231) Yoko Ono
232) people who are always sweaty
233) when in-game statistics are sponsored
234) Paul Byrd
235) Venus and Serena Williams
236) when networks advise viewer discretion
237) shows about crime investigation
238) people who walk around shirtless in non-beach towns
239) when people roll up sleeves on a sport coat
240) Anaheim Angels (Yes, Anaheim. You are in Anaheim. Anaheim is not Los Angeles.)
241) internet providers whose main selling point is that they are faster than dial-up
242) the guy who does those drawing-on-a-white-board UPS commercials
243) guys who drive with their shirts off
244) getting cable installed
245) alternate versions of Wikipedia
246) Mercury Morris
247) those pictures of cats with misspelled captions
248) jewelry store commercials
249) wrapping presents
250) when you can hear a guitar player's fingers moving across the frets on a quiet acoustic song
251) people who post videos of themselves playing covers on YouTube
252) people who wear arbitrary jerseys at professional sporting events
253) split depths of field
254) when people stop at a yeild sign
255) outies
256) songs that use any variation of the lyric, "say goodbye to yesterday"
257) Skip Bayliss
258) the Pro Bowl
259) how every scandal is automatically called "(something)-gate"
260) people who put obvious facts on iMDB trivia
261) people who remake YouTube videos
262) little windshield wipers for headlights
263) people who use flash photography from the stands in stadiums
264) the Honda Insight
265) the same 5 Sublime songs I've been hearing on the radio since 1995
266) Doomsday prophecies
267) email chain letters telling me not to buy gas on a specific day
268) people I went to high school with getting married
269) those little circle batteries
270) how nearly every woman I know would go gay for Angelina Jolie
271) Angelina Jolie
272) when people say "carmel" instead of "caramel"
273) when people ask me why I don't watch "The Office"
274) car seat covers
275) Hank Steinbrenner
276) all the little hairs that get stuck on you when you get a haircut
277) when people slide into first base
278) drunk girls who sing along with Bon Jovi songs in bars
279) not being able to leave Whole Foods without being asked to sign a petition
280) the guy who owns Sullivan Tire
281) Arlen Specter
282) how it's 10 times harder to wake up in the morning now than when I was in grade school
283) Joba Chamberlain
284) Sharon Stone
285) cauliflowered ears
286) how Pepsi cans purchased in New York say "New York" on the can
287) false starts on songs
288) about 90% of White Stripes songs
289) Brett Favre
290) the term "SoCal"
291) websites that do nothing but point out continuity errors in movies
292) "The 70's called..." jokes (this applies to any decade)
293) when band names are abbreviated (ex. Dave Matthews Band = DMB)
294) anything with Neve Campbell in it
295) Frank Caliendo
296) how Southwest Airlines consider Manchester and Providence to be "Boston area"
297) when sports broadcasters start reading the credits while the game is still being played
298) Scott Boras
299) that hump that old ladies get on their backs
300) Geico cavemen commercials

Unemployed Movie List

Hello. I've been out of steady work for a little while. During this time, I've watched a lot of movies. Here is a list of the movies I've watched. I'll continue to update this list until I work more often.


Choke
The World's Fastest Indian
Rosemary's Baby
World Trade Center
Death Sentence
Eastern Promises
Sudden Death
The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford
30 Days of Night
Dracula: Dead and Loving It
Tropic Thunder
Zodiac
Lonesome Jim
Dan in Real Life
Robocop
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Belly of the Beast
Live Free or Die Hard
Gremlins 2: The New Batch
Midnight Run
The Expanding Universe
Munich
Ocean's 13
Transformers
Event Horizon
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Marked for Death
The Brave One
Ratatouille
They Live
Ernest Rides Again
Eagle vs. Shark
Born on the Fourth of July
Cocaine Cowboys
Robocop 3
We Own The Night
The Ex
Next
End of Days
Dirty Work
Natural Born Killers
Man of the Year
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
Fear
Aliens
Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism
Above the Law
Atonement
The Warriors
The Shawshank Redemption

Look What I Did To My XBOX!

That Time Chops Did A Long Awkward Pose

Funeral For A Friend

Around The World

Over the last few years, I've developed a list of places I'd like to someday visit. I had always assumed it would wind up being a 'one trip at a time' thing, and I'd knock destinations off my list one by one. As time went on, however, the list grew longer and longer, and it came to the point where I decided there was no way I would be able see everything on it. The solution? Do them all at once. Here's the list (so far):

Tikal, Guatemala (Mayan Ruins)
Machu Picchu, Peru
Iguazu Falls, Argentina/Brazil
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Cape Town, South Africa
Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe/Zambia
Cairo, Egypt (Great Pyramids of Giza)
Petra, Jordan
Athens, Greece
Rome, Italy
Barcelona, Spain
Dublin, Ireland
Reykjavik, Iceland
Amsterdam, Netherlands
St. Petersburg, Russia
Moscow, Russia
Delhi/Taj Mahal, India
Beijing, China (Great Wall of China)
Tokyo, Japan
Hong Kong, China
Hanoi, Vietnam
Siem Reap, Cambodia (Angkor Wat)
Ko Libong/Ko Lipe, Thailand
Bali, Indonesia
Queensland, Australia (Great Barrier Reef)
Queenstown, New Zealand
Easter Island, Chile



Since this route doubles back on itself a few times and really skips a lot of Africa, I expect a few destinations to be added, or some replaced. Either way, this is the trip I've come up with. It's a work in progress (you can click on the map to enlarge it).

I've begun researching the financial implications of such a trip, and airfare alone looks like it'll start at around 14,000. If I'm to do everything on my list, I figure it would likely take six months. I'd probably wind up subletting my apartment, or just moving out and leaving my stuff in storage for the time I'll be gone, which would count out rent. I could defer my student loans for that same amount of time (or even a few months prior, to help save). Airfare/train fare/bus fare would be the bulk of the expense, since I plan on keeping food and housing on the modest side.

If anyone's interested in joining me, I'm accepting applications.

Another Letter to Huggies

Dear Huggies,

In one of your recent television advertisements, you show a man slip quietly into a bedroom at a party to change his son's diaper. Upon removing the lad's diaper, the poor dad is met with a powerful stream of pee. He finds that the only thing absorbant enough to stop the boy's firehose-like peeing is his Huggies diaper.

Gee, Huggies, where did you come up with such a great idea?

I think you know where I'm going with this. Several years ago, I wrote you folks at Huggies a letter suggesting that, instead of the traditional, boring ol' blue liquid, you should show real pee. Attached is the original text of that letter.

Now I'm not one to hold a grudge, Huggies. But I do believe in giving credit where credit is due. As such, it's clear that my idea has helped you sell diapers, which entitles me to part of the profits. I don't know what your exact financial status is, but for the life of me, I can't think of any other brand of diaper. And I know that the world population is always growing, which means more babies and more pee. This, coupled with your clever ad campaign, indicates record sales.

Let me get right to the point, Huggies - please reimburse me for the use of my idea. A check or money order will be fine.

Regards,
Nick Tully

PS - If Sue still works in Consumer Services, please let her know I said "told you so."


--------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Nick,

Thanks for your e-mail to Kimberly-Clark.

To avoid misunderstandings as to the origin of an idea, Kimberly-Clark Corporation accepts for review only new product ideas that are the subject of a patent or patent application. We are not permitted to accept suggestions from the public for the marketing, advertising or promotion of our products. This would include any suggestions relating to the fields of artwork or product display, suggested slogans, product names or trademarks. Since we have our own advertising and marketing teams, and work with specific advertising agencies, we have this policy to prevent misunderstandings as to the origin of an idea. Over the years, it has proved to be in the best interest of all concerned.

It is a strict procedure within Kimberly-Clark to not review, inform, communicate, forward, or in any manner transfer any part of an unsolicited idea to anyone outside of the Consumer Services Department without the submitter first signing a non-confidentiality agreement form or obtaining a patent. Please be assured that we do not use any idea submitted to us from outside without compensating the inventor. Kimberly-Clark Corporation desires to be courteous and fair, and will make every effort to deal in good faith.

Nevertheless, we appreciate the opportunity to respond to your concerns and hope this information is helpful.


Lynn
Coordinator, Outside Suggestions
Consumer Services, Kimberly-Clark Corp.

Voicemail From Brian

I got this voicemail from Brian a few days ago. I think he might have been high. He makes reference to a conversation we had a few days earlier in which I asked, knowing he was a notorious penny hater and is currently broke, if he would eat a penny for $500. I also gave him the option of eating a penny melted down into a pill for $200.

Dino Dig

I used to want to be a paleontologist when I was a kid. What could be cooler than digging up dinosaurs, the most vicious, terrifying and ostensibly awesome animals in the history of the world? So imagine my surprise this past Christmas when my sister gave me a chance to live that dream.


"What fun!" I thought to myself. "My very own fossil to unearth!" My concern was immediately raised, however, by the size and weight of the package. I was hoping for something really cool, like a skull, or maybe even a full dinosaur (a small one, of course; I wouldn't ask for anything bigger than those things that spit black stuff and have an umbrella for a neck). Still, I thought, it could be small AND cool at the same time, like a tooth or a claw.


The contents of the box did little to assuage my concern. First off, I find no instructions. My first foray into paleontology and I'm left to find my own way. Second, the rock that contained the fossil was more reminiscent of a brick than an actual rock. It would be a stroke of unbelievable luck if there were a complete fossil in there. But hey, I'm no geologist, and there's no telling what they could do with x-rays or some other tool that would allow one to see through a rock. So I continue to give the Dino Dig team the benefit of the doubt. That is, until I notice the tools with which I'm supposed to excavate my historic treasure.


As I said, I'm not a geologist, but I don't think it takes one to know that it's a tall order to try and break apart a rock with a pencil and a paintbrush. What were they thinking? Why not give me at least one metal tool? Then again, I'm sure they have a system, and I doubt that any product reaches the market without some level of testing, so, once more, I set aside my concern and set up my workspace.


Once unwrapped, the "rock" actually seems to be plaster. Suddenly, it all begins to make sense. Light package, light tools, perfect cut. What I had been unwilling to concede became undeniable - I'm not digging up a fossil. I'm RE-digging up a fossil. As disappointment sets in, I quickly and easily dismiss it. After all, I'm still getting a fossil, right? So I get to work.


Once again, I'm discouraged. I know paleontology is a delicate science, and I definitely don't want to damage my only shot at getting a real fossil. But nearly 10 minutes of work netted very little progress. Still, the thought of the prize to come was enough motivation to press on.


After working diligently for another 10 to 15 minutes, I finally hit paydirt. This is it! The first glimpse of my fossil! My mind begins to race - what could it be?


It looks very smooth for something that could be several million years old. Intrigued, I press on.


As more of my fossil is revealed, I begin to suspect that, like the "rock" at which I'm chiseling away, I may not be dealing with a real fossil. Fossils aren't this smooth. But, seeing as how I've already invested close to 45 minutes into this project, I may as well finish the job.


With more of the "fossil" uncovered, I come to yet another realization - I'm digging from the bottom side. So much effort, so much time spent, and the stupid thing is upside down. Now I've had it. If Dino Dig wasn't going to give me instructions or a real set of tools to work with, I was going to have to take matters into my own hands. It was time to call in the big guns.


Well, well, Dino Dig. We'll see who gets the last laugh. I'm getting that thing out of there, come hell or high water or a broken fossil.


Progress at last! Now to sort through the rubble and find my fossil.


Much to my chagrin, the bogus fossil turned out to be hollow. The force of the blow that separated the fake rock apparently also shattered its contents.


After pulling my broken fossil from the wreckage, I begin to recognize just how much of a raw deal Dino Dig is. A hollow, clay replica of a fossil lodged in a slab of plaster that you dig out with a stick. What fun. May as well piece it together.


So there it is. I guess I got the skull I was hoping for... sort of. I think I should write a letter.

Photos of Patrick Getting Flipped Off

That Time We Saw A Dog In A Wheelchair

It's 3:10 AM. Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

Probably in the room right next to yours, fucking a bar skank, keeping you awake at 3:10 AM.

I'm Bored And It's Dark Out

Death and Taxes

As I was sitting in my accountant's office this morning, I was listening to the receptionist talking on the phone about her inoperable brain tumor. She also discussed her pituitary tumors (yes, plural), and briefly touched on the subject of how, when her kidneys started acting up last year, she gained 30 pounds in five weeks and stopped menstruating. She knew I was listening. She had to know, because I was the only person in the waiting room and there were no magazines.

I decided not to hit on her.