25
If I can get ahold of a bunch of five year olds, I'm going to see if I can top that.
Hot Fun
13 years ago
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Letter to Morningstar Farms
Dear Morningstar Farms,
Did you guys know that Morning Star is the name of the only communist newspaper in Britain? It was founded in 1930, and has fought for decades in court over censorship issues, but the paper remains strong to this day.
Morning Star is also a biblical reference to Satan, aka Lucifer. If I may quote -
"How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the ground which didst weaken the nations!" --Is. xiv. 12.
Tertullian and Gregory the Great translated this passage of Isaiah as a reference to the fall of Satan. By consequence, the names "Lucifer" and "Morning Star" have since been applied to Satan.
I was wondering how a company that devotes itself to meat alternatives, seemingly an honorable cause, could be so closely associated with communism and Satan. Please respond, I am very interested in your position on these matters.
Sincerely,
Nick Tully
------------------------------------
Nick,
Thank you for contacting our company.
Responding to your concerns, may I assure you that Kellogg has not and, as a matter of company policy, does not take a stand on social issues or attitudes toward any individual or group because of race, color, religion, or moral preference in any aspect of our business or business activities.
Our interest is in the promotion of our products as contributors to a healthy and varied diet. I am sure you can appreciate that there is no long or short-term value for us to do otherwise. We feel that any attempt to associate Kellogg, our product names or advertisements with this moral environment is misleading and completely erroneous.
I hope this will respond to your concerns and reassure you of our good faith in this regard.
Again, thank you for contacting us. We appreciate your interest in our company and products.
Sandra K. Cretsinger
Consumer Specialist
Consumer Affairs Department
Did you guys know that Morning Star is the name of the only communist newspaper in Britain? It was founded in 1930, and has fought for decades in court over censorship issues, but the paper remains strong to this day.
Morning Star is also a biblical reference to Satan, aka Lucifer. If I may quote -
"How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the ground which didst weaken the nations!" --Is. xiv. 12.
Tertullian and Gregory the Great translated this passage of Isaiah as a reference to the fall of Satan. By consequence, the names "Lucifer" and "Morning Star" have since been applied to Satan.
I was wondering how a company that devotes itself to meat alternatives, seemingly an honorable cause, could be so closely associated with communism and Satan. Please respond, I am very interested in your position on these matters.
Sincerely,
Nick Tully
------------------------------------
Nick,
Thank you for contacting our company.
Responding to your concerns, may I assure you that Kellogg has not and, as a matter of company policy, does not take a stand on social issues or attitudes toward any individual or group because of race, color, religion, or moral preference in any aspect of our business or business activities.
Our interest is in the promotion of our products as contributors to a healthy and varied diet. I am sure you can appreciate that there is no long or short-term value for us to do otherwise. We feel that any attempt to associate Kellogg, our product names or advertisements with this moral environment is misleading and completely erroneous.
I hope this will respond to your concerns and reassure you of our good faith in this regard.
Again, thank you for contacting us. We appreciate your interest in our company and products.
Sandra K. Cretsinger
Consumer Specialist
Consumer Affairs Department
Letter to Klondike
Dear Klondike,
I noticed in your ad campaign that folks all around the world will seem to do damn near anything to get a Klondike bar. Don't get me wrong - I'll enjoy a Klondike bar just as much as the next guy. But what I can't understand is why people would go to such great lengths to get one. Please excuse me if I'm drawing an inappropriate parallel, but it seems strikingly similar to what a heroin addict might do. Is there some secret ingredient that causes people to act in such a strange manner? I'll admit that I've never been tempted to do anything irrational to get a Klondike bar, but I suppose there's always a chance that I am immune to the secret ingredient, and that possibility alone makes it worth asking. Please let me know if I am correct in being suspicious (don't worry, I'm cool... really, you can tell me). Also, I was wondering why so many polar bears would eat Klondike bars. Is it a regional thing, or are the ones I've seen simply smarter than the average bear?
Sincerely,
Nick Tully
-----------------------------------
no response
I noticed in your ad campaign that folks all around the world will seem to do damn near anything to get a Klondike bar. Don't get me wrong - I'll enjoy a Klondike bar just as much as the next guy. But what I can't understand is why people would go to such great lengths to get one. Please excuse me if I'm drawing an inappropriate parallel, but it seems strikingly similar to what a heroin addict might do. Is there some secret ingredient that causes people to act in such a strange manner? I'll admit that I've never been tempted to do anything irrational to get a Klondike bar, but I suppose there's always a chance that I am immune to the secret ingredient, and that possibility alone makes it worth asking. Please let me know if I am correct in being suspicious (don't worry, I'm cool... really, you can tell me). Also, I was wondering why so many polar bears would eat Klondike bars. Is it a regional thing, or are the ones I've seen simply smarter than the average bear?
Sincerely,
Nick Tully
-----------------------------------
no response
Letter to Jet Puffed Marshmallows
Dear Jet-Puffed,
How excatly does one jet-puff a marshmallow? I can't really imagine it involves a jet, or a jet engine of sorts, but even if it did, what does the jet do that actually puffs the marshmallow? Do you make marshmallows that aren't puffed, or at least puffed in some other non-jet way? Please help!
Sincerely,
Nick Tully
-----------------------------------
Dear Nick,
Thank you for visiting our website and for your interest in how KRAFT JET-PUFFED Marshmallows are manufactured.
The key ingredients for KRAFT JET-PUFFED Marshmallows--corn syrups, sugars, gelatin, flavor and color--are blended together and mixed while heating to dissolve all ingredients and create a uniform mixture.
This mixture is then whipped and cooled to create the light, fluffy texture that is characteristically JET-PUFFED. The whipped mixture is formed into a finished marshmallow with the desired shape and size. Varieties include regular white, mini white, mini chocolate and seasonal shapes and flavors.
We hope this answers your question.
How excatly does one jet-puff a marshmallow? I can't really imagine it involves a jet, or a jet engine of sorts, but even if it did, what does the jet do that actually puffs the marshmallow? Do you make marshmallows that aren't puffed, or at least puffed in some other non-jet way? Please help!
Sincerely,
Nick Tully
-----------------------------------
Dear Nick,
Thank you for visiting our website and for your interest in how KRAFT JET-PUFFED Marshmallows are manufactured.
The key ingredients for KRAFT JET-PUFFED Marshmallows--corn syrups, sugars, gelatin, flavor and color--are blended together and mixed while heating to dissolve all ingredients and create a uniform mixture.
This mixture is then whipped and cooled to create the light, fluffy texture that is characteristically JET-PUFFED. The whipped mixture is formed into a finished marshmallow with the desired shape and size. Varieties include regular white, mini white, mini chocolate and seasonal shapes and flavors.
We hope this answers your question.
Letter to Huggies
Dear Huggies,
In most of your commercials, you show how absorbant your diapers are by pouring blue liquid in them. I suppose this works well for parents whose children pee blue liquid, but I expect my son to pee regular pee. What is that blue liquid? Is it alien pee? I heard that you can buy pills from drug stores that turn your pee different colors - is that what you did? If so, is it a safe process? If, in fact, the blue liquid is not pee, is it's chemical construction similar to pee? Did you ever consider just showing real pee? Please respond, as I think all this information is very relevant to my diaper buying decisions in the future.
Sincerely,
Nick Tully
-----------------------------------
Dear Nick,
Thanks for your e-mail to Kimberly-Clark about HUGGIES® diapers.
In regards to your inquiry, blue liquid is commonly used in television advertising of absorbent products because consumers may be offended by the use of real bodily fluids.
Thanks again for your e-mail.
Sue
Consumer Services
Kimberly-Clark Corp.
In most of your commercials, you show how absorbant your diapers are by pouring blue liquid in them. I suppose this works well for parents whose children pee blue liquid, but I expect my son to pee regular pee. What is that blue liquid? Is it alien pee? I heard that you can buy pills from drug stores that turn your pee different colors - is that what you did? If so, is it a safe process? If, in fact, the blue liquid is not pee, is it's chemical construction similar to pee? Did you ever consider just showing real pee? Please respond, as I think all this information is very relevant to my diaper buying decisions in the future.
Sincerely,
Nick Tully
-----------------------------------
Dear Nick,
Thanks for your e-mail to Kimberly-Clark about HUGGIES® diapers.
In regards to your inquiry, blue liquid is commonly used in television advertising of absorbent products because consumers may be offended by the use of real bodily fluids.
Thanks again for your e-mail.
Sue
Consumer Services
Kimberly-Clark Corp.
Letter to Crayola
Dear Crayola,
For an assignment in one of my classes in college, a friend of mine changed a picture of a box of your crayons in Photoshop to have 55 peach crayons and 5 brown ones. He then changed the label on the front of the box to read "Emerson College Diversity Crayons." He was making a statement about the overwhelming population of caucasian students in comparison to the relatively small population of minorities attending our school. Since he removed the Crayola label, the picture did not attest to your stance on diversity, but it did get me thinking... what exactly is Crayola's stance on the diversification of the United States? If the variety of colors in your boxes are any indication, it would tell me that you're all for it. But if that's the case, what race/nationality does, say, "periwinkle blue" represent? What about "hot magenta?" I would appreciate a bit of clarity on this matter.
Sincerely,
Nick Tully
------------------------------------------
Dear Nick,
Thank you for your e-mail. Most of our color names are taken from the Universal Color Language and Dictionary of Names published by the U.S. Bureau of Standards. We use this reference guide because everyone sees and expresses color differently. Using the Universal dictionary as a base, we can refer to a standard color system and color names.
We make a variety of Crayola Multicultural products which contain an assortment of skin tone colors found around the world. This product line includes items such as paint, markers, crayons, colored pencils and clay. These products are generally sold through teacher supply stores, educational retailers and distributors.
Crayola Multicultural products were introduced in response to feedback provided by consumers and educators. The chosen hues come from our standard color selection and represent skin, hair and eye tones of the world. The multicultural crayon pack enables teachers to prepare students to be citizens in a global age by helping them understand and appreciate differences within cultures in an affordable box size.
Multiculturalism is an important issue in early childhood education today because it is important for each child to build a positive sense of self and to respect the cultural diversity in others.
We appreciate your interest in Binney & Smith and Crayola products.
Sincerely,
Karen Kelly
Consumer Relations Representative
For an assignment in one of my classes in college, a friend of mine changed a picture of a box of your crayons in Photoshop to have 55 peach crayons and 5 brown ones. He then changed the label on the front of the box to read "Emerson College Diversity Crayons." He was making a statement about the overwhelming population of caucasian students in comparison to the relatively small population of minorities attending our school. Since he removed the Crayola label, the picture did not attest to your stance on diversity, but it did get me thinking... what exactly is Crayola's stance on the diversification of the United States? If the variety of colors in your boxes are any indication, it would tell me that you're all for it. But if that's the case, what race/nationality does, say, "periwinkle blue" represent? What about "hot magenta?" I would appreciate a bit of clarity on this matter.
Sincerely,
Nick Tully
------------------------------------------
Dear Nick,
Thank you for your e-mail. Most of our color names are taken from the Universal Color Language and Dictionary of Names published by the U.S. Bureau of Standards. We use this reference guide because everyone sees and expresses color differently. Using the Universal dictionary as a base, we can refer to a standard color system and color names.
We make a variety of Crayola Multicultural products which contain an assortment of skin tone colors found around the world. This product line includes items such as paint, markers, crayons, colored pencils and clay. These products are generally sold through teacher supply stores, educational retailers and distributors.
Crayola Multicultural products were introduced in response to feedback provided by consumers and educators. The chosen hues come from our standard color selection and represent skin, hair and eye tones of the world. The multicultural crayon pack enables teachers to prepare students to be citizens in a global age by helping them understand and appreciate differences within cultures in an affordable box size.
Multiculturalism is an important issue in early childhood education today because it is important for each child to build a positive sense of self and to respect the cultural diversity in others.
We appreciate your interest in Binney & Smith and Crayola products.
Sincerely,
Karen Kelly
Consumer Relations Representative
Letter to Carnation
Dear Carnation,
While browsing your web site, I came across your product listings. Most of them were familiar, but there was one that really stood out - evaporated milk. When I was younger, my dad used to play tricks on me at the grocery store, like tell me to go get canned steam; this product sounds oddly similar. I don't think that Carnation would go to the trouble of putting evaporated milk on their web site just to make me feel dumb, but still... What would anyone use that for? Are you supposed to pour it on your evaporated cereal? Or mix it with your evaporated coffee? Do you dip evaporated cookies in it? Come on, guys, what gives?
Sincerely,
Nick Tully
----------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Tully,
Thank you for contacting Nestlé. We welcome questions and comments from our consumers.
Nestlé Carnation Evaporated Milk refers to milk that has approximately 60% of the water removed by way of boiling it under vacuum. There are many uses for evaporated milk including in recipes, coffee, as well as quick meals like instant pudding and boxed macaroni and cheese.
For more ways on how to use Evaporated Milk please visit
www.verybestbaking.com click on Baking Recipes on the top border and click on Recipe Search. You can then select Evaporated Milk and all of the recipes that contain the product will appear. We hope you find this information helpful.
We appreciate your interest in our products and hope you'll visit our website often for latest information on Nestlé products and promotions.
Sincerely,
Jennifer Meininger
Consumer Response Representative
While browsing your web site, I came across your product listings. Most of them were familiar, but there was one that really stood out - evaporated milk. When I was younger, my dad used to play tricks on me at the grocery store, like tell me to go get canned steam; this product sounds oddly similar. I don't think that Carnation would go to the trouble of putting evaporated milk on their web site just to make me feel dumb, but still... What would anyone use that for? Are you supposed to pour it on your evaporated cereal? Or mix it with your evaporated coffee? Do you dip evaporated cookies in it? Come on, guys, what gives?
Sincerely,
Nick Tully
----------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Tully,
Thank you for contacting Nestlé. We welcome questions and comments from our consumers.
Nestlé Carnation Evaporated Milk refers to milk that has approximately 60% of the water removed by way of boiling it under vacuum. There are many uses for evaporated milk including in recipes, coffee, as well as quick meals like instant pudding and boxed macaroni and cheese.
For more ways on how to use Evaporated Milk please visit
www.verybestbaking.com click on Baking Recipes on the top border and click on Recipe Search. You can then select Evaporated Milk and all of the recipes that contain the product will appear. We hope you find this information helpful.
We appreciate your interest in our products and hope you'll visit our website often for latest information on Nestlé products and promotions.
Sincerely,
Jennifer Meininger
Consumer Response Representative
Letters To Buy.com
Dear Buy.com,
I placed my order about a week ago and it hasn't shipped yet.
What gives?
Nick Tully
----------------------------------------
Hello Nick Tully,
Thank you for contacting Buy.com.
This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.
We apologize that the delivery of your order is taking longer than expected. Due to a setback from our supplier, item #202149884 on your order is currently on backorder.
We update our web site once every 24 hours. Occasionally, items run out of stock before we can update this information. We are working on providing more frequent updates in the future.
However, we do not have an estimated time of arrival. You will receive an email from us once the product you ordered ships. Since you have placed the order using Google Checkout, your account would be charged before your product is shipped.
We thank you for your patience in the matter.
Sincerely,
Veronica
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 34948329
--------------------------------
Dear Buy.com,
So as I understand it, according to your response, my shipment has been backordered for more than a week. But during this time, I had absolutely no idea. Know why? Because you folks at Buy.com didn't tell me. How come?
Nick Tully
-------------------------------
Hello Nick Tully,
Thank you for contacting Buy.com.
This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.
At Buy.com we strive to provide the widest assortment of high-quality products at everyday low prices. However, sometimes circumstances beyond our control affect our selection.
Please note that item was on backorder since the time you placed the order. We do not have an estimated time of arrival either. You will receive an email from us once the product you ordered ships.
If you do not want to wait for the item, you can request a
cancellation using the link below:
https://secure.buy.com/corp/support/guestordersearch.asp
We thank you for your patience in the matter.
Sincerely,
Kevin
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 34948329
---------------------------------------
Dear Buy.com,
I guess my last email was unclear. My gripe is not against your selection of products or your prices, nor was I challenging the fact that my item was backordered.
All I'm asking, Buy.com, is how come you didn't tell me that my shipment wasn't coming?
Nick Tully
------------------------------------------
Hello Nick Tully,
Thank you for contacting Buy.com.
This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.
We apologize that the delivery of your order is taking longer than expected. Due to a setback from our supplier, item #202149884 on your order is currently on backorder.
We update our web site once every 24 hours. Occasionally, items run out of stock before we can update this information. We are working on providing more frequent updates in the future.
However, we do not have an estimated time of arrival. You will receive an email from us once the product you ordered ships.
If you decide not to wait for this product, you may request for a
cancellation by visiting our Web site at:
http://www.buy.com/corp/support/login.asp?What=cancel
We are working on providing more frequent updates in the future.
Sincerely,
Larry
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 34948329
-----------------------------------------
Dear Buy.com,
I recently read that most Old Testament stories can be directly traced back to Sumerian myths. The Sumerians are the oldest known civilization of the ancient Near East, located in lower Mesopotamia. The earliest records date back to the middle of the fourth millennium, B.C., and continue through the rise of Babylonia, late in the third millennium, B.C. This bit of information, along with the fact that, outside of the Bible and Koran, there are no historical references to Moses and the Jewish Exodus, kind of affirmed my notion that, on the whole, people have been duped into religion. When otherwise religious people scoff and shake their heads at Mormons or Scientologists, it seems exceedingly ironic to me, the main difference being that they can point to who first spewed a Scientologist's bullshit. But maybe I'm just a self righteous know-it-all jerk, I don't know. What do you think?
Nick Tully
------------------------------------------
Hello Nick Tully,
Thank you for contacting Buy.com.
This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.
We are eager to answer all your queries, but to do this; we need more information from you.
Please tell us in more detail how we can be of service to you?
Sincerely,
Richard
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 34948329
------------------------------------------
Dear Buy.com,
This in reference to your email regarding order #34948329. I, too, am eager to have my queries answered, but after two attempts, I was only receiving the same one-size-fits-none form letter in response.My most recent letter was more to test your "Customer Service" - specifically, I wanted to see if anyone was actually reading my letters. Well, Buy.com, you failed the test.
However, since I am actually starting to have a little bit of fun with our correspondences, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you really are eager to answer my query. I will repeat it as clearly as I can : Why did I have to contact you to find out my shipment was backordered? Shouldn't you have told me as soon as you knew?
Please send me a real response this time.
Best,
Nick Tully
------------------------------------------
Hello Nick Tully,
Thank you for contacting Buy.com.
This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.
We apologize that the delivery of your order is taking longer than expected. Due to a setback from the manufacturer, item #202149884 on your order is Temporarily Sold Out.
We update our web site once every 24 hours. Occasionally, items run out of stock before we can update this information. We are working on providing more frequent updates in the future.
However, we do not have an estimated time of arrival. You will receive an email from us once the product you ordered ships. Since you have placed the order using Google Checkout, your account would be charged before your product is shipped.
Our Customer Support Department is available via telephone 24 hours a day and seven days a week. Our toll-free phone number is 1-800-800-0800 (Press Option #3).
Please contact us with any further questions you may have. Your satisfaction is important to us.
Sincerely,
Enrique
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 34948329
-------------------------------------------
Dear Buy.com,
I hope our interaction over the past several days has been as fun for you as it has been for me. There was one thing I noticed in all of your replies; no, not the fact that every letter you've sent me has been nearly identical. I was actually thinking about how, in the five letters you've sent me, each one of them was written by a different "employee." This curiosity has raised quite a few questions that I'd like you to weigh in on.
First, how is it that so many of you folks at Buy.com have such a similar voice? I mean, being cordial is one thing, but all of these responses are written to a very specific form, almost verbatim. Is this part of their training? I, personally, am a fan of individuality. But, since you are a corporation, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you discourage it.
Second, how could my letters have reached five different people, and not one of them was able to identify or answer the one question I had? They kept telling me that my shipment was on backorder, but none of them could tell me why I wasn't told of this until I came a-calling. You really should have a talk with them, or maybe even double check their qualifications.
Third (and somewhat seriously), it's fairly obvious that you have some kind of automated customer service that identifies keywords in a letter, selects the pre-written response that is most likely to answer the question based on the selected keywords, and slaps a generic first name above the "Customer Service" title to make the customer feel like they're talking to a human. My question is how many female or ethnic sounding names are in the mix? So far, I've heard from Veronica and Enrique - is there a Tamika or a Keisha coming soon? How about a Darnell? Why not go old-school and throw a Mavis in there? How many non-white sounding names did you determine you needed in order to appear PC? (Sub-question - even though these are not real employees, do they count as Affirmative Action hires?)
Eagerly awaiting your reply,
Nick Tully
PS - If you need more black or hispanic sounding names, I can send
you a list.
-------------------------------------------
Hello Nick Tully,
Thank you for contacting Buy.com.
This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.
We apologize that the delivery of your order is taking longer than expected. Due to a setback from the manufacturer, item #202149884 on your order is Temporarily Sold Out.
We update our web site once every 24 hours. Occasionally, items run out of stock before we can update this information. We are working on providing more frequent updates in the future.
However, we do not have an estimated time of arrival. You will receive an email from us once the product you ordered ships. Since you have placed the order using Google Checkout, your account would be charged before your product is shipped.
Our Customer Support Department is available via telephone 24 hours a day and seven days a week. Our toll-free phone number is 1-800-800-0800 (Press Option #3).
Please contact us with any further questions you may have. Your satisfaction is important to us.
Sincerely,
Jenny
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 3494832
I placed my order about a week ago and it hasn't shipped yet.
What gives?
Nick Tully
----------------------------------------
Hello Nick Tully,
Thank you for contacting Buy.com.
This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.
We apologize that the delivery of your order is taking longer than expected. Due to a setback from our supplier, item #202149884 on your order is currently on backorder.
We update our web site once every 24 hours. Occasionally, items run out of stock before we can update this information. We are working on providing more frequent updates in the future.
However, we do not have an estimated time of arrival. You will receive an email from us once the product you ordered ships. Since you have placed the order using Google Checkout, your account would be charged before your product is shipped.
We thank you for your patience in the matter.
Sincerely,
Veronica
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 34948329
--------------------------------
Dear Buy.com,
So as I understand it, according to your response, my shipment has been backordered for more than a week. But during this time, I had absolutely no idea. Know why? Because you folks at Buy.com didn't tell me. How come?
Nick Tully
-------------------------------
Hello Nick Tully,
Thank you for contacting Buy.com.
This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.
At Buy.com we strive to provide the widest assortment of high-quality products at everyday low prices. However, sometimes circumstances beyond our control affect our selection.
Please note that item was on backorder since the time you placed the order. We do not have an estimated time of arrival either. You will receive an email from us once the product you ordered ships.
If you do not want to wait for the item, you can request a
cancellation using the link below:
https://secure.buy.com/corp/support/guestordersearch.asp
We thank you for your patience in the matter.
Sincerely,
Kevin
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 34948329
---------------------------------------
Dear Buy.com,
I guess my last email was unclear. My gripe is not against your selection of products or your prices, nor was I challenging the fact that my item was backordered.
All I'm asking, Buy.com, is how come you didn't tell me that my shipment wasn't coming?
Nick Tully
------------------------------------------
Hello Nick Tully,
Thank you for contacting Buy.com.
This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.
We apologize that the delivery of your order is taking longer than expected. Due to a setback from our supplier, item #202149884 on your order is currently on backorder.
We update our web site once every 24 hours. Occasionally, items run out of stock before we can update this information. We are working on providing more frequent updates in the future.
However, we do not have an estimated time of arrival. You will receive an email from us once the product you ordered ships.
If you decide not to wait for this product, you may request for a
cancellation by visiting our Web site at:
http://www.buy.com/corp/support/login.asp?What=cancel
We are working on providing more frequent updates in the future.
Sincerely,
Larry
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 34948329
-----------------------------------------
Dear Buy.com,
I recently read that most Old Testament stories can be directly traced back to Sumerian myths. The Sumerians are the oldest known civilization of the ancient Near East, located in lower Mesopotamia. The earliest records date back to the middle of the fourth millennium, B.C., and continue through the rise of Babylonia, late in the third millennium, B.C. This bit of information, along with the fact that, outside of the Bible and Koran, there are no historical references to Moses and the Jewish Exodus, kind of affirmed my notion that, on the whole, people have been duped into religion. When otherwise religious people scoff and shake their heads at Mormons or Scientologists, it seems exceedingly ironic to me, the main difference being that they can point to who first spewed a Scientologist's bullshit. But maybe I'm just a self righteous know-it-all jerk, I don't know. What do you think?
Nick Tully
------------------------------------------
Hello Nick Tully,
Thank you for contacting Buy.com.
This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.
We are eager to answer all your queries, but to do this; we need more information from you.
Please tell us in more detail how we can be of service to you?
Sincerely,
Richard
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 34948329
------------------------------------------
Dear Buy.com,
This in reference to your email regarding order #34948329. I, too, am eager to have my queries answered, but after two attempts, I was only receiving the same one-size-fits-none form letter in response.My most recent letter was more to test your "Customer Service" - specifically, I wanted to see if anyone was actually reading my letters. Well, Buy.com, you failed the test.
However, since I am actually starting to have a little bit of fun with our correspondences, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you really are eager to answer my query. I will repeat it as clearly as I can : Why did I have to contact you to find out my shipment was backordered? Shouldn't you have told me as soon as you knew?
Please send me a real response this time.
Best,
Nick Tully
------------------------------------------
Hello Nick Tully,
Thank you for contacting Buy.com.
This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.
We apologize that the delivery of your order is taking longer than expected. Due to a setback from the manufacturer, item #202149884 on your order is Temporarily Sold Out.
We update our web site once every 24 hours. Occasionally, items run out of stock before we can update this information. We are working on providing more frequent updates in the future.
However, we do not have an estimated time of arrival. You will receive an email from us once the product you ordered ships. Since you have placed the order using Google Checkout, your account would be charged before your product is shipped.
Our Customer Support Department is available via telephone 24 hours a day and seven days a week. Our toll-free phone number is 1-800-800-0800 (Press Option #3).
Please contact us with any further questions you may have. Your satisfaction is important to us.
Sincerely,
Enrique
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 34948329
-------------------------------------------
Dear Buy.com,
I hope our interaction over the past several days has been as fun for you as it has been for me. There was one thing I noticed in all of your replies; no, not the fact that every letter you've sent me has been nearly identical. I was actually thinking about how, in the five letters you've sent me, each one of them was written by a different "employee." This curiosity has raised quite a few questions that I'd like you to weigh in on.
First, how is it that so many of you folks at Buy.com have such a similar voice? I mean, being cordial is one thing, but all of these responses are written to a very specific form, almost verbatim. Is this part of their training? I, personally, am a fan of individuality. But, since you are a corporation, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you discourage it.
Second, how could my letters have reached five different people, and not one of them was able to identify or answer the one question I had? They kept telling me that my shipment was on backorder, but none of them could tell me why I wasn't told of this until I came a-calling. You really should have a talk with them, or maybe even double check their qualifications.
Third (and somewhat seriously), it's fairly obvious that you have some kind of automated customer service that identifies keywords in a letter, selects the pre-written response that is most likely to answer the question based on the selected keywords, and slaps a generic first name above the "Customer Service" title to make the customer feel like they're talking to a human. My question is how many female or ethnic sounding names are in the mix? So far, I've heard from Veronica and Enrique - is there a Tamika or a Keisha coming soon? How about a Darnell? Why not go old-school and throw a Mavis in there? How many non-white sounding names did you determine you needed in order to appear PC? (Sub-question - even though these are not real employees, do they count as Affirmative Action hires?)
Eagerly awaiting your reply,
Nick Tully
PS - If you need more black or hispanic sounding names, I can send
you a list.
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Hello Nick Tully,
Thank you for contacting Buy.com.
This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.
We apologize that the delivery of your order is taking longer than expected. Due to a setback from the manufacturer, item #202149884 on your order is Temporarily Sold Out.
We update our web site once every 24 hours. Occasionally, items run out of stock before we can update this information. We are working on providing more frequent updates in the future.
However, we do not have an estimated time of arrival. You will receive an email from us once the product you ordered ships. Since you have placed the order using Google Checkout, your account would be charged before your product is shipped.
Our Customer Support Department is available via telephone 24 hours a day and seven days a week. Our toll-free phone number is 1-800-800-0800 (Press Option #3).
Please contact us with any further questions you may have. Your satisfaction is important to us.
Sincerely,
Jenny
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 3494832
Dear Lonny (whoever the hell you are)
Dear Lonny,
I'm sure we don't know each other, as I think I'd remember meeting someone with a name as stupid as yours. And even though we're complete strangers and I just insulted you, I need to ask you a favor.
You see, it seems as though we have similar phone numbers. The reason I know this is because for the past several months, at a frequency of roughly once a week, I get a phone call intended for you. I use my phone a lot for work, and my monthly bill is costly enough with only the calls I NEED on it. Adding your friends' mistakes to it is becoming quite costly. That's not to mention the hassle of dropping whatever I'm doing, digging in my pocket to find my phone, trying to figure out who the hell is calling me, and fighting the urge to yell at them for making a stupid mistake.
So in order to make my everyday life less of a struggle and more cost efficient, as well as getting what I can only assume are very urgent phone calls directly to you, please consider the following suggestions:
1) Get a new phone number. I know it's a pain in the ass, and I would gladly do it myself, except, as I said earlier, I use my phone a lot for work, and I've been handing out my current phone number all over LA for about a year and a half. If I were to change it now, I'd essentially be starting over. Seeing as how you live in Leominster, I doubt you have anything important riding on keeping your number.
2) Get some smarter friends. I know Leominster is a small town, but I'm sure you could find at least a handful of people who can tell their asshole from their elbow.
3) Kill yourself. A little extreme, sure, but at least people would stop trying to call you.
Feel free to try out one or all of the above. Be creative - mix and match a little. Have fun with it! Or, if you're feeling up to it, come up with your own solutions. There are really no rules, so long as it results in your idiot friends no longer calling me. Good luck.
Best,
Nick
I'm sure we don't know each other, as I think I'd remember meeting someone with a name as stupid as yours. And even though we're complete strangers and I just insulted you, I need to ask you a favor.
You see, it seems as though we have similar phone numbers. The reason I know this is because for the past several months, at a frequency of roughly once a week, I get a phone call intended for you. I use my phone a lot for work, and my monthly bill is costly enough with only the calls I NEED on it. Adding your friends' mistakes to it is becoming quite costly. That's not to mention the hassle of dropping whatever I'm doing, digging in my pocket to find my phone, trying to figure out who the hell is calling me, and fighting the urge to yell at them for making a stupid mistake.
So in order to make my everyday life less of a struggle and more cost efficient, as well as getting what I can only assume are very urgent phone calls directly to you, please consider the following suggestions:
1) Get a new phone number. I know it's a pain in the ass, and I would gladly do it myself, except, as I said earlier, I use my phone a lot for work, and I've been handing out my current phone number all over LA for about a year and a half. If I were to change it now, I'd essentially be starting over. Seeing as how you live in Leominster, I doubt you have anything important riding on keeping your number.
2) Get some smarter friends. I know Leominster is a small town, but I'm sure you could find at least a handful of people who can tell their asshole from their elbow.
3) Kill yourself. A little extreme, sure, but at least people would stop trying to call you.
Feel free to try out one or all of the above. Be creative - mix and match a little. Have fun with it! Or, if you're feeling up to it, come up with your own solutions. There are really no rules, so long as it results in your idiot friends no longer calling me. Good luck.
Best,
Nick
This Just In:
Ninjas, pirates, robots and monkeys are not funny. For the love of God, stop using them as the default punchline for EVERYTHING. It wasn't funny the first time some asshole did it in junior high, and it will never be funny. The more you use these lame fallbacks, the more you affirm the increasingly popular notion that you are the least clever person everyone knows.
Spreading Holiday Cheer, 20 Contacts at a Time
One thing the holiday season reminds me of is how lazy and neglectful technology has allowed us to become. And I'm not talking about microwaves or cars or high speed internet; I'm referring to text messaging. More specifically, the ever obnoxious "mass" text message. This is the generic message you get on every holiday that you're sure got sent to about 15-20 other people by this same person, at the same time.
Now it's not the text message that really bothers me so much - it's a pleasant thing to hear from someone on a holiday, not to mention the mini-thrill you get from receiving a text. No, what bothers me about it is just how goddamn insincere it really is.
Think about it for a minute. The claim would be, "I was thinking about you on Christmas, didn't you get the text message I sent you?" But what they're really saying is, "You're not important enough for me to actually want to talk to on Christmas, but while scrolling through my contact list, I found your name and decided I don't really hate you, so I added you as the 17th person that will read 'Merry X-Mas! MUAH!' on your cell phone."
You might be a very thoughtful person, and we might actually be close friends, but if you don't actually want to talk to someone on Christmas, don't half-ass it. It's perfectly obvious that it's not a personalized message, and the only person you're going to convince that you were being thoughtful is yourself. I'm not trying to be mean or make anyone feel bad, just stop with the nonsense already.
So if you sent me a message this holiday and didn't get a response, don't take it personally. It's just principle.
Now it's not the text message that really bothers me so much - it's a pleasant thing to hear from someone on a holiday, not to mention the mini-thrill you get from receiving a text. No, what bothers me about it is just how goddamn insincere it really is.
Think about it for a minute. The claim would be, "I was thinking about you on Christmas, didn't you get the text message I sent you?" But what they're really saying is, "You're not important enough for me to actually want to talk to on Christmas, but while scrolling through my contact list, I found your name and decided I don't really hate you, so I added you as the 17th person that will read 'Merry X-Mas! MUAH!' on your cell phone."
You might be a very thoughtful person, and we might actually be close friends, but if you don't actually want to talk to someone on Christmas, don't half-ass it. It's perfectly obvious that it's not a personalized message, and the only person you're going to convince that you were being thoughtful is yourself. I'm not trying to be mean or make anyone feel bad, just stop with the nonsense already.
So if you sent me a message this holiday and didn't get a response, don't take it personally. It's just principle.
A Message From the Past
I received an email from myself today, one that I apparently put in some kind of e-time capsule. So, I guess it's an email from the past. It read:
To: tully.nick@gmail.com
From: capsule@forbes.net
Subject: Welcome to the future! (you jerk)
Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2006 06:00:26 -0500 (EST)
Greetings from your past. In the fall of 2005, you agreed to receive
this message, which has been preserved for a year in the Forbes.com
E-Mail Time Capsule. For more details, visit http://www.forbes.com/capsule
Here is the text of your message:
you should go get a sandwich.
right now.
love,
nick
I don't really remember writing this email, much less putting it into a time capsule, but apparently not much has changed in me since the fall of 2005. I'm going to get a sandwich now.
To: tully.nick@gmail.com
From: capsule@forbes.net
Subject: Welcome to the future! (you jerk)
Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2006 06:00:26 -0500 (EST)
Greetings from your past. In the fall of 2005, you agreed to receive
this message, which has been preserved for a year in the Forbes.com
E-Mail Time Capsule. For more details, visit http://www.forbes.com/caps
Here is the text of your message:
you should go get a sandwich.
right now.
love,
nick
I don't really remember writing this email, much less putting it into a time capsule, but apparently not much has changed in me since the fall of 2005. I'm going to get a sandwich now.
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