TOTALLY BORED: the musical

Dead Meat

2010-07-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

It's official: this blog is dead. The new one is not quite finished, but it's good enough for TV, as they say. Surprise of surprises, the link is:

http://www.nicktully.com

Over and out.

Blog on Life Support

2010-05-28T12:45:00.000-07:00

This is probably going to be the second-to-last post on this blog. Over the past week I've been diligently (read: not so diligently) working on a new site that's almost ready to be shown. It's going to be all professional-like, with a reel, photo gallery, resume, etc. It'll have a blog as well, although it will be a little more sanitized (read: boring) than this one. In an effort to make myself look like a professional "something," I'm upgrading the vehicle and downgrading the content. I'll post here again once I've put the final touches on the new guy, but that's likely going to be it. It's been swell, blogger, but we both knew this wasn't going to last.

Cheney and Westbrook, Together At Last

2010-02-23T15:01:00.000-08:00

I really wish I had noticed that I didn't write "are" in the last comment, but the joke still holds.

Blast From the (not so distant) Past

2010-02-12T15:37:00.000-08:00

I got a package from my brother in the mail today, a sort of belated birthday present. The package contained a "Grow Mother Mary," which is akin to one of those tiny alligator things that you put in a two liter bottle filled with water and it grows to six times its size, except it's shaped like the Virgin Mother instead of an alligator. This is the part that makes it a present, says my brother, since he was already going to send me the other half of the package - a remixed collection of songs from his old band, The Dakota.

There was also a handwritten note (how quaint!) explaining the process of the remix and a little bit of history about some of the songs. I'm listening to the record as I write this, and it's forcing back some long forgotten memories... it's been at least ten years since I've seen The Dakota, so all these memories are from a time when I was a much different person. I think that most people are constantly evolving; I've come a long way since these songs were written and it's very strange to go back. I expect, by the end of this record, to snap back to present day and marvel at just how much I've grown.

Between the ages of 14 and 18, I was legitimately a fan of thrash metal. My taste in movies and literature were largely a product of what I perceived as deep or meaningful, but not music; I liked what I liked, and it was that simple. I tended to be dismissive of popular music, but I never professed to like music because it had integrity. I thought Bob Dylan was boring then, and I do now. It's strange to listen to thrash metal now, since it's no longer appealing to me in any way. The Dakota has sentimental value, and I could probably stand listening to some Converge every once in a long while, but the time when I could go see one of these bands live has long passed.

Instead, I'm thinking about myself in high school, and it's kind of embarrassing. I used to wear Dickies (even though I never really liked them). I always had a chain wallet, and I went through a phase where the chain attached to my wallet simply could not be long enough; it may have reached my knee at one point. Sometimes it would get stuck in the back of my chair in class and I would struggle to free myself before anyone noticed how ridiculous it looked. I used to carry only the shittiest backpacks I could find, and they would always be covered in patches and buttons from bands that I was sure no one had ever heard of. I would always wear hooded sweatshirts, and I doubt they ever got washed. It's a miracle that any girl took interest in me; I was very opinionated, and my opinions were always framed in a world I thought was black and white. I was overtly self righteous. I was, for some inexplicable reason, actually jealous of my friends that had family problems (I think it related to my idea that, in order to have integrity, you had to have some kind of dysfunction in your life). Somehow, in the midst of all this obnoxiousness, I managed to find two (TWO!) girls to have long-term relationships with.

What's even more fascinating is that, since I began to realize just how stupid and childish most of this stuff was, I have had comparably awful luck with finding girlfriends. My success with women has scaled inversely with my self-awareness. I'm smarter than I've ever been, I better understand the nuances of social interaction, I dress in normal clothes, I'm comfortable in my tastes in food, music, movies, and literature. It seems counterintuitive that I would be single for five-plus years. I feel that part of it may be largely circumstantial - I'm no longer in school, where meeting and getting to know people was not only easy, but unavoidable. But a more critical look may reveal that part of the problem is geographical. Los Angeles is the only city I've ever been to (or lived in) where a significant percentage of the population wears costumes rather than clothing. I used to do an honest double-take when I saw someone wearing a scarf in the summer, a tie with a t-shirt, or sunglasses while indoors and/or at night. I never thought I'd see a man wearing Uggs. It's "New" New Wave; a sort of perversion of post-modernism. Fashion should never outweigh utility the way it does in LA.

If nothing else, this observation supports my experience. When I dressed like a fool and showed no humility or sense of awareness, I got girls. I've seen, firsthand, this theory at work in my adult life: the guys who try too hard to dress outlandish are the ones who get the women. It would almost be enough to get me to revert back to my high school personality if the women these guys got weren't so universally vapid. But I've apparently strayed waaaay off topic. This started with The Dakota.

I remember most of the songs on this record (which stopped playing a long time ago; I've been rambling). I remember having a lot of fun going to see my brother's band. And I remember always feeling like I was on the verge of being a part of the whole scene, but never quite believing in it enough to commit myself to it. As a result, all the memories associated with this record feel more like a series of observations than experiences. I was always just on the outside of the circle, looking in. I can even remember the exact day when I officially abandoned it all for good. I loved listening to this record, but not for the reasons I expected.

The second half of my belated birthday present still awaits, so I think it's time to go throw this bitch in the tub and see what happens.

Another Unemployment Movie List

2010-01-23T17:31:00.000-08:00

I have once again found myself without steady work for an extended period of time. Keeping with tradition, I've made a list of all the movies I've watched in that time. I don't know when I'll start working again, so this list is incomplete.

Bruno
All Quiet on the Western Front
Near Dark
Obsessed
The Way of the Gun
High Plains Drifter
Rocky
Rocky 2
Rocky 3
Rocky 4
Heckler
Donnie Brasco
Sunset Blvd
There Will Be Blood
The Orphanage
Little Giants
The Men Who Stare At Goats
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Seven Pounds
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
Money Train
Bad Boys
Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Hot Fuzz
The International
The Mist
Pearl Harbor
South Central
Stuck on You
Vanishing Point
A Very Sunny Christmas
Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia
Animal House
White Men Can't Jump
District 9
Avatar
The Road Warrior
Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
The Family Man
Arthur
The Wedding Singer
Harlem Nights
Brazil
My Cousin Vinnie
The Killer Elite
Like Father, Like Son
Daybreakers
Con Air
Requiem for a Dream
Youth in Revolt
World's Greatest Dad
Europa Europa
To Die For
Where The Wild Things Are
Creepshow
Wayne's World 2
Terminator 2: Judgment Day
It Might Get Loud
Zombieland
The Fan
History of the World: Part I
Escape from LA
Watchmen
Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins
The Strangers
Pride and Glory
The Rock
Tropic Thunder
Island of the Dead
Prey
The Jerk
Yes Man

Bernard Pollard: Anti-Patriot

2010-01-05T11:50:00.000-08:00

This past Sunday, Wes Welker was lost for the playoffs when he tore both his ACL and MCL while making an awkward cut in the Patriots' opening drive. It seems like a fluke accident, since he was not contacted, and was apparently the result of poor turf conditions. However, there are other circumstances that raised an eyebrow or two. Who was the defensive player that fell on top of Welker after he went down? Yes, for the second time in little more than a year, Bernard Pollard, the "Anti-Patriot," has been at the epicenter of a devastating knee injury to a pivotal New England football star, as seen here, to Welker:

And here, to Tom Brady:

Sure, it could be a coincidence. In fact, that seems likely. It seems likely, but it isn't. Let's take a closer look at some of the recent heartbreaks that have happened in the lives of the Patriots. Remember the week 10 game at Indianapolis? The game that New England had all but locked up at halftime, only to suffer the most epic second half collapse in modern memory? Surely, everyone remembers the most critical play of this game, in which Bill Belichick, not trusting his defense, decided to go for it on 4th and 2, on the Pats' own 28 yard line, with 2:08 to play in the 4th. Kevin Faulk was famously denied the critical yardage on a short pass, and the Colts went on to win the game. Did anyone notice who was at Peyton Manning's side at the end of the game? Believe it:

And what about the greatest national tragedy of our time (including 9/11, which is a distant second)? The 2007 Patriots, who had gone 18-0 and were poised to become the first undefeated team since the '72 Dolphins and the first in NFL history to go 19-0, were upset in the Superbowl by the underdog Giants. New England had already beaten the Giants in week 17 to solidify their undefeated regular season. What changed between that game and the Superbowl? To find out, we'll need to take a look at what many believe to be the turning point in that game: Eli Manning miraculously escaping a three man sack and heaving a prayer to David Tyree, who caught the ball against his helmet while being tackled.

Proof positive. Bernard Pollard is the Anti-Patriot. And may his punishment, as he burns in hell for all of eternity, be to have both his ACLs and MCLs torn at breakfast every morning by a devil in a Brady jersey and a goblin in a Welker jersey.

Also, his breakfast will be cold and will taste terrible.

Wednesdays With Jesus

2009-12-02T15:05:00.000-08:00

This afternoon, there was a knock on my door, which I found irritating in itself, because really, when is that not an inconvenience? This time, I happened to be playing "Modern Warfare 2," and I was playing very well; better than I ever have, as a matter of fact. So interruption was even less welcome than usual. Adding to this, my roommate had already had a run-in with our downstairs neighbors about noise from our apartment the night before. As I walked toward the door, I began readying a list of excuses and/or apologies for whatever slight may have been committed.

Upon answering the door, however, I found not a neighbor, but two young women in skirts, button down shirts, sweaters and, alarmingly, name tags. They introduced themselves:

"Hi, I'm so-and-so." (I can't remember her name, but it was very stupid-sounding)

"And my name is something else stupid-sounding," said the other.

It wasn't until I shook hands with each of them that I noticed they each held a bible. I stared at them, silent. A moment passed before one of them uncomfortably asked.

"What's your name?"

I don't know why I didn't just volunteer that information.

"I'm Nick. What can I do for you?"

I already knew.

"We're representatives of Jesus Christ."

"Wow, that sounds like a lot of responsibility," I replied. "How's it going?"

"We were wondering if there was anything you needed help with?"

I stared again, silent.

"Any dishes that you need washed? Trash taken out?"

Hey, as long as they're offering...

"My car could use a wash," I told her.

She looked genuinely surprised, as if no one had taken her seriously yet. Before she could respond, the other girl jumped in.

"Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" she asked.

In that instant, I found myself faced with an extremely difficult decision. On the one hand, I love theological debates. Love 'em. I am an outspoken (and smug) atheist. I've read hundreds of essays, books, and articles, watched countless hours of debates, and over the last several years, I've crafted dozens of bullet proof arguments. I absolutely love these debates.

On the other hand, I've found that these debates are only worth having with people who haven't been fully indoctrinated into a religion. These girls had clearly drank the Kool-Aid. As tempted as I felt to engage them, I knew I wasn't going to change any minds. So I thought I'd have a little fun instead.

"Believe in him how? Like, do I believe that he existed? Or do I believe that he'd come through in the clutch?"

She appeared very confused. "Umm..."

"I mean, if Jesus Christ is up in the bottom of the 9th, full count, down by one, with a runner on, do I believe that he'd put it over the fence?"

"No, I mean..."

"Because I just don't know enough about his bat to make that kind of judgment. Plus, the guy's got a serious history of injuries. Dude had holes in his hands AND feet."

One of them seemed quietly amused; the other did not. "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?" she asked.

I paused. She really wanted to get an answer out of me.

"Who's pitching? Is it Pontius Pilate?"

She appeared to be very agitated at this point. "Please, this is a serious question. Do you have Jesus' love in your life?"

"Here's the thing - I just don't know if I want to have this conversation with you," I said, a little uneasy.

"Why not? Have you sinned?"

"Yeah, probably. But that's not it."

"Then what is it? We can help you."

"I just... I mean, from what I know about Jesus, he was a really scrawny guy, so if he's gonna put one out, he'd have to be dead pull hitter. I don't know what the dimensions of Nazareth's ball park are, and they're probably only gonna pitch him breaking stuff away."

Visibly irritated, the girl let out an audible, exaggerated sigh. "Thank you for your time," she said, and the two walked off.

I stepped out, into the hallway and continued. "What direction is the wind blowing? Who's batting behind Jesus? If it's someone like Luke, I feel like they'd pitch around Jesus to get to him."

The girls were already knocking on the door at the next apartment.

"How many apostles do I have on the bench? Could I pinch hit for him?"

My neighbor answered his door, and the girls began their routine again, so I stepped back inside and shut my door.

Snout

2009-11-18T15:51:00.000-08:00

This begins (hopefully) the chronicle of the traveling snout. My dad made this out of clay and a paper towel tube; I don't know where the hair came from, and I can't decide if I hope it's his or not. As the current owner of the snout, my job is to keep and maintain it "for a while," then pass it on to someone who will do the same. I am the third owner, the first two being my dad and my brother. Already the snout has made two cross country trips, having traveled from Oregon to Massachusetts, and then from Massachusetts to California.

I have a few people in mind who I trust to keep the snout and then pass it along, but I sort of like the idea of the snout traveling every time it's handed off. I also don't know how long "a while" is, but if I can stretch it out a few months, I think it has potential as a wedding gift (in true Tully fashion). So cross your fingers Howie or Jason.

There's Something Suspicious About Twitter...

2009-09-10T16:29:00.000-07:00

Take a look at all the people who have recently started following my updates. I think it's clear what we're dealing with - POD PEOPLE.

Who REALLY Remebers Eunice Kennedy Shriver?

2009-08-13T14:07:00.001-07:00

With the recent passing of Eunice Kennedy Shriver, much national attention has been called to her philanthropic work, most notably in founding the Special Olympics. But few people seem to remember what may have been her most important accomplishment - Ms. Shriver had an unheralded cameo in (and served as the inspiration for) the cult classic, "They Live!"

Proof That We're Fucked

2009-08-07T13:35:00.001-07:00

According to a recent (Feb. '09) Gallup Poll, only 39% of Americans believe in evolution.

According to the same poll, 78% of Americans believe in angels.

Letter to Coors Light

2009-07-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Coors Light,

In your recent ad campaign, you profess the importance of "cold insurance," which apparently involves a color changing label on the side of Coors Light cans. Your system, you claim, will help me to avoid drinking a warm beer. I'm all about innovation, Coors Light - I love the fact that my cell phone can take pictures, and that I can get peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. But these innovations have practical uses. For as much as I've tried, I just can't find the practicality in a temperature activated, color changing can. You see, I've had a system in place that, for as long as I can remember, has successfully kept me from drinking warm beer - I touch the can, and if it's cold, I can safely assume that the beer inside is also cold. It's that simple!

Now, according to YOUR system, the can changes color "when your beer is as cold as the Rockies." I'm not trying to split hairs here, Coors Light, but according the the Rocky Mountain National Park website, the average temperatures range from well below zero to the upper 80s, depending on season and elevation. So I'm forced to ask - does the color of the can reflect the CURRENT temperature of the Rockies? Because with what little knowledge the average Coors Light drinker is likely to have of the region, there stands a reasonable chance they could be getting either a frozen beer-sicle or an uncomfortably warm beer soup.

In the same ad campaign, you have also been heard to claim that cold beer is your "policy." I hope this isn't too embarrassing for you guys, but I feel obligated to let you know that cold beer is, in fact, not a policy. Policies typically involve a company's stance on matters such as customer privacy, returns, deliveries, or repairs. Cold beer is many things, including a product, a delicious beverage, and an adjective and a noun, but alas, it just does not qualify as a policy.

I hope this letter finds you well, Coors Light, and I also hope that I've been any kind of help to you. If you find yourself uncertain on matters of beverage temperature in the future, please feel free to give me a call anytime.

Best,
Nick Tully

------------------------------------------

Thank you for contacting MillerCoors.

We appreciate receiving both positive and negative reactions to our advertising endeavors. Customer commentary is extremely important and your comments have been shared with the appropriate personnel.

Your patronage is appreciated.

Sincerely,

MillerCoors Consumer Affairs Department
Ref: Case#N20471417

Sports Are Funny

2009-06-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

Top headlines of the day:

Thinking Ahead

2009-05-19T17:22:00.000-07:00

Using logic, we can safely assume that one of the following statements must be true:

1) Time travel will never be possible.

*or*

2) Time travel WILL be possible, but everyone in the future is an asshole for not coming back to warn us about Hitler.

A Rough Opening Day

2009-04-06T16:14:00.000-07:00

It's still only the first day of Fantasy Baseball, but my team is opening wish a very poor showing (see below).

Dunkin' Donuts Fail

2009-03-28T11:34:00.001-07:00

Sam Harris Makes a Joke and a Point

2009-03-04T21:14:00.000-08:00

I don't really like putting things up here that aren't mine, but I love this guy.

You Can't Do Business Sitting On Your Ass

2009-02-14T23:15:00.000-08:00

I've known my friend Adam for the better part of a decade now, and ever since I met him he's been talking about wanting to get a tattoo. For years, he's been debating with himself and others about what it should be and what it should say about himself. After seven long and thoughtful years, I am glad to report that today, Valentines Day 2009, Adam Malamut finally decided on a tattoo.

For the record - yes, it is a tattoo of a lobster holding two ice cream cones and sitting on a hammer.

Discussion Regarding the Efficacy of Robocop in a Terminator's Role

2009-01-29T00:58:00.000-08:00

me - The T-800 has several obvious advantages over Robocop. He looks like a human so he can blend in much better, and he's much faster. But Robocop has an edge in applied weaponry - he's got a targeting system, so there's really no wild firing and missing, like the Terminator.

Adam - That's true, but Robocop has faced much tougher challenges than Sarah Connor. Like bigger, more powerful robots.

me - Well sure, but the fact is that if the machines had sent Robocop back, he would have killed Sarah Connor right away.

Jim - But they wouldn't have been able to send him back - you can only transport living organisms, not machines.

me - Well the T-800 is a robot wrapped in a human, so they could just wrap Robocop in a human. Then he would be a human wrapped in a robot wrapped in a human.

ADDENDUM - On the question of transporting advanced weaponry, as posed to Kyle Reese in the police station, the explanation of "nothing dead will go" holds little water. Using the same principle of a T-800 being surrounded by living tissue, thus fulfilling the requirement of a "field generated by a living organism," I submit the following: why not surgically implant a weapon in a cat or something? Sure, the cat pays a dear price on the other side of his time travel when the weapon must be retrieved, but hey, the fate of the world is at stake.

Got That, Chief?

2009-01-26T23:59:00.001-08:00

There's Probably No God

2009-01-09T22:43:00.000-08:00

Notes on a Fantasy Football Season

2008-12-21T16:20:00.000-08:00

In a year marred by inconsistency and savage locker room beatings, the team that began the season with high expectations and even higher hopes has just completed its final death throes. Rock Hard Pwner, despite injuries and boneheaded waiver moves, entered the playoffs as the second seed with a first round bye, only to be knocked out in the second round by the sixth seed, Delhomme For MVP, and was forced to settle for a third place finish. As the organization prepares for its usual offseason proceedings, we would like to take a look back at the season that almost was with our year-end report cards.

QB - AARON RODGERS
You were a late round draft selection, but you quickly won the starting job over incumbent (read "incompetent") Ben Roethlisberger. While you put up solid numbers, we couldn't get over the fact that you shaved your beard. For that, sir, you are officially put on notice.
Grade - Check minus.

WR - T.J. HOUSHMANZADEH
You were drafted high due to your advanced skill set as a receiver, but more importantly, as a positive locker room influence. We remembered your contributions to the organization in years past, and we decided to reward you with a fat contract. Early signs were positive, as you racked up fantasy points over the first few weeks. Excitement soon gave way to disappointment, however, as your production began to decline at mid-season, capped off with an abortion of a game in the second round of the playoffs and a goose egg in the third place game. When the team needed you the most, you curled up and took a shit. Also, your hair is stupid. Consider yourself on notice.
Grade - Check minus.

TE - DALLAS CLARK
In a situation similar to Houshmanzadeh's, we drafted you high because of your past success with the franchise. Your clutch performances down the stretch last season helped secure a championship for the team. You were benched early due to injuries, and we waited as long as we could, but ultimately had to release you. Miraculously, you found good health and great success in the following weeks with our rivals, Texas St Armadillos. Real dickhead move, Clark. You're on notice.
Grade - Check minus.

RB - DARREN MCFADDEN
We drafted you in the third round. Do you have any idea how many quality players were still available in the third round? We could have drafted Anquan freaking Boldin. You were supposed to be this years Adrian Peterson, but instead you sat out for weeks with turf toe (you girl). Luckily, we were able to get some value for you in a trade for Kevin Faulk, but not before your glass jaw and lack of motivation cost the entire team. That is why you are now on notice.
Grade - Check minus.

RB - LEON WASHINGTON
A mid-season waiver claim, your playmaking ability made you an interesting option at RB or flex position. Your timing, however, was less than satisfactory. You seemed to know when we put you in the starting lineup, and for some reason you used each of those opportunities to take a giant ugly shit. Meanwhile, when you were sitting on the bench, you managed to outscore any individual starter on the team. You made the Rock Hard Pwner bench the most productive in the league. For that (and for playing for the Jets) we have put you on notice.
Grade - Check minus.

RB - ADRIAN PETERSON
Our first round draft pick, you more than lived up to expectations. You were, by far, the most consistent player on the team, and for that we are grateful. However, you were unable to deliver a championship to our deserving fans, and while you will not be put on notice, your evaluation will suffer for it.
Grade - Check minus.

How Fucking Awesome Is This?

2008-11-11T13:17:00.001-08:00

This image is called the Hubble Ultra Deep Field (HUDF), and it's the deepest anyone has ever seen into space. A one million second exposure. They estimate that there are over 10,000 galaxies in this image, and the light began traveling toward Earth billions of years ago. Some of the galaxies seen are the first to have formed shortly after the Big Bang. The first goddamn thing to exist ever. Is in this fucking picture. It is so cool and kickass that I actually have to go the bathroom.

I've been reading about this and looking at it for days and I still can't wrap my head around it. This is nothing. There is so so so so much more to see. They compared this image to looking through an 8 foot long straw into the sky. That's how much and how little you can see.

Goddammit the Hubble telescope is awesome. I would marry it. Fuck fuck fuck that is awesome.

SUCK IT, MCCAIN

2008-11-04T21:23:00.000-08:00

Nice

2008-11-04T20:47:00.000-08:00

The Hate List

2008-10-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

things that i hate

1) glass eyes
2) people referring to things as their "livlihood"
3) when people take too long at the drive thru window
4) VW beetles with car bras
5) grown men with pony tails
6) the phrase "in this post 9/11 world..."
7) Ikea
8) yellow cars
9) orange cars
10) the elderly
11) Asian women drivers
12) women who talk about their "eggs"
13) Matt Roloff
14) traffic lights that change right before you get there but nobody goes by the other way
15) Angry Steve
16) MacSolitaire
17) laptops that get way too goddamn hot
18) the Yankees
19) self-taken Facebook/MySpace pictures
20) TAHI Productions
21) shitty cars with awesome stereos
22) exagerrated sighs
23) Evel Kenieval
24) the phrase, "what's your 20?"
25) Sit 'n' Sleep commercials
26) people that ride their bikes during the morning commute
27) away messages that are song lyrics or are "inspirational"
28) the word "bro"
29) Sleater-Kinney
30) adults with braces
31) when successful people are referred to as "moguls"
32) televised poker
33) Sean's car
34) my Morroccan neighbors
35) Geraldo Rivera
36) the phrase/people who use the phrase "bane of my existence"
37) siamese twins
38) red left turn arrows
39) the Yankees
40) MAD TV
41) Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
42) The Red Hot Chili Peppers
43) Clubber Lang
44) loud chewing/eating
45) shoes with roller skates built in
46) Nancy Grace
47) people who call Wednesday "Hump Day"
48) people that type in all caps
49) when the shake machine at McDonalds is "broken"
50) those giant plug things that stretch out people's ear lobes
51) neck and face tattoos
52) the "I'm too cool for my face" haircut (emo)
53) people with overwhelming acne
54) Buddy Holly glasses
55) track suits
56) people with really small teeth
57) conversations about movie cliches
58) Carlos Mencia and people who think he's funny
59) half time interviews with football coaches
60) lists of things that are cool
61) white guys with dreadlocks
62) people who wear sweatpants in public
63) fanny packs
64) leg warmers
65) middle aged women who dress young
66) the fact that "Starbucks" is in my cell phone's iTAP dictionary
67) Trevor Bailey
68) the Carls Jr philly cheese steak commercial
69) DUI defense attorneys
70) female body builders
71) people that read every sign they see out loud
72) "undercover exposes" where a hot chick puts on a fat suit
73) Bravo's movie lists
74) guys who wear gloves at the gym
75) guys who wear wife beaters anywhere
76) audible grunting at the gym
77) people who believe that their zodiac sign actually means something
78) Madonna's British accent
79) NASCAR
80) cars that have a separate key to unlock the door
81) struggling actors
82) movies in which Eddie Murphy or Martin Lawrence play multiple parts
83) people that get offended by things that aren't offensive to them
84) movies that parody multiple other movies
85) Hawk Harrelson (chicago white sox announcer)
86) girls that make fish faces in every picture
87) Man-Uggs
88) people who make quotes with their fingers
89) Dakota Fanning
90) Hugh Laurie
91) food that specifies it contains "real" ingredients
92) text message conversations
93) names that are almost real names, like "Leeza" or "Bryant"
94) injury lawyers
95) movies that are described as "charming"
96) Hugh Grant
97) "The Insider"
98) tall shoes
99) the word "interesting" as a default adjective for everything
100) people who wear sunglasses indoors and/or at night
101) the word "tweens"
102) digital voice manipulation, a la Cher
103) commercials where people casually discuss side effects of medication amongst themselves
104) oversized shirts on undersized men
105) undersized shirts on oversized women
106) ads for TV shows that run in the corner during another TV show
107) Evanescence
108) military recruitment commercials
109) unnecessary use of the phoenetic alphabet
110) expository dialogue
111) pennies
112) soul patches (AKA - the upside-down Hitler)
113) people that buy Che Guevara t-shirts and/or posters
114) the phrase "paradigm shift"
115) "scary" movies that are rated PG-13
116) low riders
117) normal names that are spelled weird, like "Cheyne" and "Geoff"
118) guys who clip their cell phones to their belts
119) radio promos
120) shirts, hats, stickers, or buttons with quirky phrases on them (ie - "i do what the voices tell me")
121) when people use the copyright logo without having a copyright
122) flourescent headlights
123) people who give themselves nicknames
124) the name Topher
125) men with nose piercings
126) World of Warcraft
127) inspirational football movies
128) "Down With the Sickness" by Disturbed
129) amateur psychiatrists
130) Miatas
131) people that make you take off your shoes in their house
132) the fact that more sleep can actually make you more tired
133) NPR fund drives
134) reversable clothing
135) boat shoes
136) web sites that automatically play music
137) Wicca and people who (claim to) believe in it
138) the oracle in "The Matrix"
139) people who use Facebook/MySpace profile pictures that aren't them
140) political discussions with people who don't understand politics
141) the WNBA
142) automated customer service
143) Fergie
144) the remake of "The Shining"
145) Terrible Towels
146) people who wear their military uniforms in public
147) when adults use the word "jammies"
148) Facebook fliers
149) acting coaches
150) movie trailers that give explainations for their rating
151) cars that have those little flags attached to them
152) having to check if milk has gone bad
153) girl bands
154) references to 9/11 in commercials
155) when people use their middle name on Facebook
156) people who wear giant headphones in public
157) submarine-style pitchers
158) commercials that still use Smashmouth songs
159) sports fans who hate their home team
160) when days of the week are pronounced "Mondee, Tuesdee, etc"
161) Ricky Shroeder's multiple comeback attempts
162) people who ask questions of themselves instead of just making a statement
163) gold
164) "gifts" on Facebook
165) women with thick New Jersey accents
166) dance music
167) people who constantly claim they are being disrespected
168) Dave Matthews' voice
169) assistant directors
170) the way reporters talk
171) "Vote For Pedro" shirts and people who wear them
172) vanity license plates
173) flat brimmed hats turned slightly to the side with the tag still attached
174) emo guys who wear skin tight pants
175) chain wallets
176) epic music in movie trailers
177) the way Mike Mussina pitches from the stretch
178) people whose voicemail message says "you know what to do"
179) when people get shot in movies and then tear off their shirt to reveal a bulletproof vest
180) people who switch the "W" and "H" when they say words like "when" and "where"
181) stand up comedians with catch phrases
182) when people say the word "yay"
183) the "WE" network
184) when people who have a doctorate in something other than medicine demand to be called doctor
185) steering wheel covers
186) MTV Cribs
187) songs with any variation of "It's your life" or "It's my life" in the chorus
188) white women who act black
189) everything Paul McCartney has done since The Beatles broke up
190) songs that have several minutes of pointless silence at the end
191) Shaun White
192) Razor scooters
193) comedians whose entire act is impressions
194) when Netflix sends full frame versions of great movies
195) buying plane tickets
196) people who sign their Facebook wall posts
197) Shawne Merriman and the "lights out" dance
198) "Truth" anti-smoking ads
199) aspiring models
200) people who think being loud is the same as being funny
201) the Blue Collar Comedy guys
202) morning TV talk/news shows
203) when someone grabs just your fingers while shaking hands
204) most Robin Williams movies
205) limo versions of SUVs
206) Sister Patterson
207) bacne
208) people who think a close up and/or black and white photo of anything is brilliant photography
209) people who say "and such"
210) local sports broadcasters who refer to their team as if they are on it (frequent use of the word "we")
211) local sports broadcasters who refer to players on a first name basis
212) Guitar Center employees
213) when commercials are twice as loud as the show they're interrupting
214) Good Charlotte
215) Pedro Gomez
216) when people use umbrellas for shade
217) when songs have an excessive amout of feedback/droning noises at the end
218) children that have more musical talent than I do
219) when several people whistle in unison
220) Gary Sheffield
221) getting into my car after it's been sitting in the sun on a hot summer day
222) when a sale is called an "event"
223) Dane Cook
224) people who wear bluetooth headsets all the time
225) "Beautiful Girls" by Sean Kingston
226) Sallie Mae
227) people who say things like "get some good camera shots"
228) people who say "a little (insert anything) action" over and over
229) Buy.com
230) sportscasters that describe everything as being "tremendous"
231) Yoko Ono
232) people who are always sweaty
233) when in-game statistics are sponsored
234) Paul Byrd
235) Venus and Serena Williams
236) when networks advise viewer discretion
237) shows about crime investigation
238) people who walk around shirtless in non-beach towns
239) when people roll up sleeves on a sport coat
240) Anaheim Angels (Yes, Anaheim. You are in Anaheim. Anaheim is not Los Angeles.)
241) internet providers whose main selling point is that they are faster than dial-up
242) the guy who does those drawing-on-a-white-board UPS commercials
243) guys who drive with their shirts off
244) getting cable installed
245) alternate versions of Wikipedia
246) Mercury Morris
247) those pictures of cats with misspelled captions
248) jewelry store commercials
249) wrapping presents
250) when you can hear a guitar player's fingers moving across the frets on a quiet acoustic song
251) people who post videos of themselves playing covers on YouTube
252) people who wear arbitrary jerseys at professional sporting events
253) split depths of field
254) when people stop at a yeild sign
255) outies
256) songs that use any variation of the lyric, "say goodbye to yesterday"
257) Skip Bayliss
258) the Pro Bowl
259) how every scandal is automatically called "(something)-gate"
260) people who put obvious facts on iMDB trivia
261) people who remake YouTube videos
262) little windshield wipers for headlights
263) people who use flash photography from the stands in stadiums
264) the Honda Insight
265) the same 5 Sublime songs I've been hearing on the radio since 1995
266) Doomsday prophecies
267) email chain letters telling me not to buy gas on a specific day
268) people I went to high school with getting married
269) those little circle batteries
270) how nearly every woman I know would go gay for Angelina Jolie
271) Angelina Jolie
272) when people say "carmel" instead of "caramel"
273) when people ask me why I don't watch "The Office"
274) car seat covers
275) Hank Steinbrenner
276) all the little hairs that get stuck on you when you get a haircut
277) when people slide into first base
278) drunk girls who sing along with Bon Jovi songs in bars
279) not being able to leave Whole Foods without being asked to sign a petition
280) the guy who owns Sullivan Tire
281) Arlen Specter
282) how it's 10 times harder to wake up in the morning now than when I was in grade school
283) Joba Chamberlain
284) Sharon Stone
285) cauliflowered ears
286) how Pepsi cans purchased in New York say "New York" on the can
287) false starts on songs
288) about 90% of White Stripes songs
289) Brett Favre
290) the term "SoCal"
291) websites that do nothing but point out continuity errors in movies
292) "The 70's called..." jokes (this applies to any decade)
293) when band names are abbreviated (ex. Dave Matthews Band = DMB)
294) anything with Neve Campbell in it
295) Frank Caliendo
296) how Southwest Airlines consider Manchester and Providence to be "Boston area"
297) when sports broadcasters start reading the credits while the game is still being played
298) Scott Boras
299) that hump that old ladies get on their backs
300) Geico cavemen commercials

Unemployed Movie List

2008-10-24T13:10:00.000-07:00

Hello. I've been out of steady work for a little while. During this time, I've watched a lot of movies. Here is a list of the movies I've watched. I'll continue to update this list until I work more often.

Choke
The World's Fastest Indian
Rosemary's Baby
World Trade Center
Death Sentence
Eastern Promises
Sudden Death
The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford
30 Days of Night
Dracula: Dead and Loving It
Tropic Thunder
Zodiac
Lonesome Jim
Dan in Real Life
Robocop
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Belly of the Beast
Live Free or Die Hard
Gremlins 2: The New Batch
Midnight Run
The Expanding Universe
Munich
Ocean's 13
Transformers
Event Horizon
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Marked for Death
The Brave One
Ratatouille
They Live
Ernest Rides Again
Eagle vs. Shark
Born on the Fourth of July
Cocaine Cowboys
Robocop 3
We Own The Night
The Ex
Next
End of Days
Dirty Work
Natural Born Killers
Man of the Year
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
Fear
Aliens
Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism
Above the Law
Atonement
The Warriors
The Shawshank Redemption

Look What I Did To My XBOX!

2008-10-13T19:50:00.001-07:00

That Time Chops Did A Long Awkward Pose

2008-09-23T15:43:00.000-07:00

Funeral For A Friend

2008-09-09T12:42:00.001-07:00

Around The World

2008-08-29T03:06:00.001-07:00

Over the last few years, I've developed a list of places I'd like to someday visit. I had always assumed it would wind up being a 'one trip at a time' thing, and I'd knock destinations off my list one by one. As time went on, however, the list grew longer and longer, and it came to the point where I decided there was no way I would be able see everything on it. The solution? Do them all at once. Here's the list (so far):

Tikal, Guatemala (Mayan Ruins)
Machu Picchu, Peru
Iguazu Falls, Argentina/Brazil
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Cape Town, South Africa
Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe/Zambia
Cairo, Egypt (Great Pyramids of Giza)
Petra, Jordan
Athens, Greece
Rome, Italy
Barcelona, Spain
Dublin, Ireland
Reykjavik, Iceland
Amsterdam, Netherlands
St. Petersburg, Russia
Moscow, Russia
Delhi/Taj Mahal, India
Beijing, China (Great Wall of China)
Tokyo, Japan
Hong Kong, China
Hanoi, Vietnam
Siem Reap, Cambodia (Angkor Wat)
Ko Libong/Ko Lipe, Thailand
Bali, Indonesia
Queensland, Australia (Great Barrier Reef)
Queenstown, New Zealand
Easter Island, Chile

Since this route doubles back on itself a few times and really skips a lot of Africa, I expect a few destinations to be added, or some replaced. Either way, this is the trip I've come up with. It's a work in progress (you can click on the map to enlarge it).

I've begun researching the financial implications of such a trip, and airfare alone looks like it'll start at around 14,000. If I'm to do everything on my list, I figure it would likely take six months. I'd probably wind up subletting my apartment, or just moving out and leaving my stuff in storage for the time I'll be gone, which would count out rent. I could defer my student loans for that same amount of time (or even a few months prior, to help save). Airfare/train fare/bus fare would be the bulk of the expense, since I plan on keeping food and housing on the modest side.

If anyone's interested in joining me, I'm accepting applications.

Another Letter to Huggies

2008-07-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Huggies,

In one of your recent television advertisements, you show a man slip quietly into a bedroom at a party to change his son's diaper. Upon removing the lad's diaper, the poor dad is met with a powerful stream of pee. He finds that the only thing absorbant enough to stop the boy's firehose-like peeing is his Huggies diaper.

Gee, Huggies, where did you come up with such a great idea?

I think you know where I'm going with this. Several years ago, I wrote you folks at Huggies a letter suggesting that, instead of the traditional, boring ol' blue liquid, you should show real pee. Attached is the original text of that letter.

Now I'm not one to hold a grudge, Huggies. But I do believe in giving credit where credit is due. As such, it's clear that my idea has helped you sell diapers, which entitles me to part of the profits. I don't know what your exact financial status is, but for the life of me, I can't think of any other brand of diaper. And I know that the world population is always growing, which means more babies and more pee. This, coupled with your clever ad campaign, indicates record sales.

Let me get right to the point, Huggies - please reimburse me for the use of my idea. A check or money order will be fine.

Regards,
Nick Tully

PS - If Sue still works in Consumer Services, please let her know I said "told you so."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Nick,

Thanks for your e-mail to Kimberly-Clark.

To avoid misunderstandings as to the origin of an idea, Kimberly-Clark Corporation accepts for review only new product ideas that are the subject of a patent or patent application. We are not permitted to accept suggestions from the public for the marketing, advertising or promotion of our products. This would include any suggestions relating to the fields of artwork or product display, suggested slogans, product names or trademarks. Since we have our own advertising and marketing teams, and work with specific advertising agencies, we have this policy to prevent misunderstandings as to the origin of an idea. Over the years, it has proved to be in the best interest of all concerned.

It is a strict procedure within Kimberly-Clark to not review, inform, communicate, forward, or in any manner transfer any part of an unsolicited idea to anyone outside of the Consumer Services Department without the submitter first signing a non-confidentiality agreement form or obtaining a patent. Please be assured that we do not use any idea submitted to us from outside without compensating the inventor. Kimberly-Clark Corporation desires to be courteous and fair, and will make every effort to deal in good faith.

Nevertheless, we appreciate the opportunity to respond to your concerns and hope this information is helpful.

Lynn
Coordinator, Outside Suggestions
Consumer Services, Kimberly-Clark Corp.

Voicemail From Brian

2008-05-07T14:47:00.001-07:00

I got this voicemail from Brian a few days ago. I think he might have been high. He makes reference to a conversation we had a few days earlier in which I asked, knowing he was a notorious penny hater and is currently broke, if he would eat a penny for $500. I also gave him the option of eating a penny melted down into a pill for $200.

Dino Dig

2008-04-25T15:56:00.000-07:00

I used to want to be a paleontologist when I was a kid. What could be cooler than digging up dinosaurs, the most vicious, terrifying and ostensibly awesome animals in the history of the world? So imagine my surprise this past Christmas when my sister gave me a chance to live that dream.

"What fun!" I thought to myself. "My very own fossil to unearth!" My concern was immediately raised, however, by the size and weight of the package. I was hoping for something really cool, like a skull, or maybe even a full dinosaur (a small one, of course; I wouldn't ask for anything bigger than those things that spit black stuff and have an umbrella for a neck). Still, I thought, it could be small AND cool at the same time, like a tooth or a claw.

The contents of the box did little to assuage my concern. First off, I find no instructions. My first foray into paleontology and I'm left to find my own way. Second, the rock that contained the fossil was more reminiscent of a brick than an actual rock. It would be a stroke of unbelievable luck if there were a complete fossil in there. But hey, I'm no geologist, and there's no telling what they could do with x-rays or some other tool that would allow one to see through a rock. So I continue to give the Dino Dig team the benefit of the doubt. That is, until I notice the tools with which I'm supposed to excavate my historic treasure.

As I said, I'm not a geologist, but I don't think it takes one to know that it's a tall order to try and break apart a rock with a pencil and a paintbrush. What were they thinking? Why not give me at least one metal tool? Then again, I'm sure they have a system, and I doubt that any product reaches the market without some level of testing, so, once more, I set aside my concern and set up my workspace.

Once unwrapped, the "rock" actually seems to be plaster. Suddenly, it all begins to make sense. Light package, light tools, perfect cut. What I had been unwilling to concede became undeniable - I'm not digging up a fossil. I'm RE-digging up a fossil. As disappointment sets in, I quickly and easily dismiss it. After all, I'm still getting a fossil, right? So I get to work.

Once again, I'm discouraged. I know paleontology is a delicate science, and I definitely don't want to damage my only shot at getting a real fossil. But nearly 10 minutes of work netted very little progress. Still, the thought of the prize to come was enough motivation to press on.

After working diligently for another 10 to 15 minutes, I finally hit paydirt. This is it! The first glimpse of my fossil! My mind begins to race - what could it be?

It looks very smooth for something that could be several million years old. Intrigued, I press on.

As more of my fossil is revealed, I begin to suspect that, like the "rock" at which I'm chiseling away, I may not be dealing with a real fossil. Fossils aren't this smooth. But, seeing as how I've already invested close to 45 minutes into this project, I may as well finish the job.

With more of the "fossil" uncovered, I come to yet another realization - I'm digging from the bottom side. So much effort, so much time spent, and the stupid thing is upside down. Now I've had it. If Dino Dig wasn't going to give me instructions or a real set of tools to work with, I was going to have to take matters into my own hands. It was time to call in the big guns.

Well, well, Dino Dig. We'll see who gets the last laugh. I'm getting that thing out of there, come hell or high water or a broken fossil.

Progress at last! Now to sort through the rubble and find my fossil.

Much to my chagrin, the bogus fossil turned out to be hollow. The force of the blow that separated the fake rock apparently also shattered its contents.

After pulling my broken fossil from the wreckage, I begin to recognize just how much of a raw deal Dino Dig is. A hollow, clay replica of a fossil lodged in a slab of plaster that you dig out with a stick. What fun. May as well piece it together.

So there it is. I guess I got the skull I was hoping for... sort of. I think I should write a letter.

Photos of Patrick Getting Flipped Off

2008-04-22T04:01:00.000-07:00

That Time We Saw A Dog In A Wheelchair

2008-04-10T00:05:00.000-07:00

It's 3:10 AM. Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

2008-03-28T03:08:00.000-07:00

Probably in the room right next to yours, fucking a bar skank, keeping you awake at 3:10 AM.

I'm Bored And It's Dark Out

2008-03-24T15:56:00.001-07:00

Death and Taxes

2008-03-08T16:22:00.001-08:00

As I was sitting in my accountant's office this morning, I was listening to the receptionist talking on the phone about her inoperable brain tumor. She also discussed her pituitary tumors (yes, plural), and briefly touched on the subject of how, when her kidneys started acting up last year, she gained 30 pounds in five weeks and stopped menstruating. She knew I was listening. She had to know, because I was the only person in the waiting room and there were no magazines.

I decided not to hit on her.

Kids Are Stupid

2007-12-20T18:24:00.000-08:00

25

If I can get ahold of a bunch of five year olds, I'm going to see if I can top that.

Letter to Morningstar Farms

2007-12-05T23:37:00.001-08:00

Dear Morningstar Farms,

Did you guys know that Morning Star is the name of the only communist newspaper in Britain? It was founded in 1930, and has fought for decades in court over censorship issues, but the paper remains strong to this day.

Morning Star is also a biblical reference to Satan, aka Lucifer. If I may quote -

"How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the ground which didst weaken the nations!" --Is. xiv. 12.

Tertullian and Gregory the Great translated this passage of Isaiah as a reference to the fall of Satan. By consequence, the names "Lucifer" and "Morning Star" have since been applied to Satan.

I was wondering how a company that devotes itself to meat alternatives, seemingly an honorable cause, could be so closely associated with communism and Satan. Please respond, I am very interested in your position on these matters.

Sincerely,
Nick Tully

------------------------------------

Nick,

Thank you for contacting our company.

Responding to your concerns, may I assure you that Kellogg has not and, as a matter of company policy, does not take a stand on social issues or attitudes toward any individual or group because of race, color, religion, or moral preference in any aspect of our business or business activities.

Our interest is in the promotion of our products as contributors to a healthy and varied diet. I am sure you can appreciate that there is no long or short-term value for us to do otherwise. We feel that any attempt to associate Kellogg, our product names or advertisements with this moral environment is misleading and completely erroneous.

I hope this will respond to your concerns and reassure you of our good faith in this regard.

Again, thank you for contacting us. We appreciate your interest in our company and products.

Sandra K. Cretsinger
Consumer Specialist
Consumer Affairs Department

Letter to Klondike

2007-12-05T23:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Klondike,

I noticed in your ad campaign that folks all around the world will seem to do damn near anything to get a Klondike bar. Don't get me wrong - I'll enjoy a Klondike bar just as much as the next guy. But what I can't understand is why people would go to such great lengths to get one. Please excuse me if I'm drawing an inappropriate parallel, but it seems strikingly similar to what a heroin addict might do. Is there some secret ingredient that causes people to act in such a strange manner? I'll admit that I've never been tempted to do anything irrational to get a Klondike bar, but I suppose there's always a chance that I am immune to the secret ingredient, and that possibility alone makes it worth asking. Please let me know if I am correct in being suspicious (don't worry, I'm cool... really, you can tell me). Also, I was wondering why so many polar bears would eat Klondike bars. Is it a regional thing, or are the ones I've seen simply smarter than the average bear?

Sincerely,
Nick Tully

-----------------------------------

no response

Letter to Jet Puffed Marshmallows

2007-12-05T23:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Jet-Puffed,

How excatly does one jet-puff a marshmallow? I can't really imagine it involves a jet, or a jet engine of sorts, but even if it did, what does the jet do that actually puffs the marshmallow? Do you make marshmallows that aren't puffed, or at least puffed in some other non-jet way? Please help!

Sincerely,
Nick Tully

-----------------------------------

Dear Nick,

Thank you for visiting our website and for your interest in how KRAFT JET-PUFFED Marshmallows are manufactured.

The key ingredients for KRAFT JET-PUFFED Marshmallows--corn syrups, sugars, gelatin, flavor and color--are blended together and mixed while heating to dissolve all ingredients and create a uniform mixture.

This mixture is then whipped and cooled to create the light, fluffy texture that is characteristically JET-PUFFED. The whipped mixture is formed into a finished marshmallow with the desired shape and size. Varieties include regular white, mini white, mini chocolate and seasonal shapes and flavors.

We hope this answers your question.

Letter to Huggies

2007-12-05T23:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Huggies,

In most of your commercials, you show how absorbant your diapers are by pouring blue liquid in them. I suppose this works well for parents whose children pee blue liquid, but I expect my son to pee regular pee. What is that blue liquid? Is it alien pee? I heard that you can buy pills from drug stores that turn your pee different colors - is that what you did? If so, is it a safe process? If, in fact, the blue liquid is not pee, is it's chemical construction similar to pee? Did you ever consider just showing real pee? Please respond, as I think all this information is very relevant to my diaper buying decisions in the future.

Sincerely,
Nick Tully

-----------------------------------

Dear Nick,

Thanks for your e-mail to Kimberly-Clark about HUGGIES® diapers.

In regards to your inquiry, blue liquid is commonly used in television advertising of absorbent products because consumers may be offended by the use of real bodily fluids.

Thanks again for your e-mail.

Sue
Consumer Services
Kimberly-Clark Corp.

Letter to Crayola

2007-12-05T23:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Crayola,

For an assignment in one of my classes in college, a friend of mine changed a picture of a box of your crayons in Photoshop to have 55 peach crayons and 5 brown ones. He then changed the label on the front of the box to read "Emerson College Diversity Crayons." He was making a statement about the overwhelming population of caucasian students in comparison to the relatively small population of minorities attending our school. Since he removed the Crayola label, the picture did not attest to your stance on diversity, but it did get me thinking... what exactly is Crayola's stance on the diversification of the United States? If the variety of colors in your boxes are any indication, it would tell me that you're all for it. But if that's the case, what race/nationality does, say, "periwinkle blue" represent? What about "hot magenta?" I would appreciate a bit of clarity on this matter.

Sincerely,
Nick Tully

------------------------------------------

Dear Nick,

Thank you for your e-mail. Most of our color names are taken from the Universal Color Language and Dictionary of Names published by the U.S. Bureau of Standards. We use this reference guide because everyone sees and expresses color differently. Using the Universal dictionary as a base, we can refer to a standard color system and color names.

We make a variety of Crayola Multicultural products which contain an assortment of skin tone colors found around the world. This product line includes items such as paint, markers, crayons, colored pencils and clay. These products are generally sold through teacher supply stores, educational retailers and distributors.

Crayola Multicultural products were introduced in response to feedback provided by consumers and educators. The chosen hues come from our standard color selection and represent skin, hair and eye tones of the world. The multicultural crayon pack enables teachers to prepare students to be citizens in a global age by helping them understand and appreciate differences within cultures in an affordable box size.

Multiculturalism is an important issue in early childhood education today because it is important for each child to build a positive sense of self and to respect the cultural diversity in others.

We appreciate your interest in Binney & Smith and Crayola products.

Sincerely,
Karen Kelly
Consumer Relations Representative

Letter to Carnation

2007-12-05T23:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Carnation,

While browsing your web site, I came across your product listings. Most of them were familiar, but there was one that really stood out - evaporated milk. When I was younger, my dad used to play tricks on me at the grocery store, like tell me to go get canned steam; this product sounds oddly similar. I don't think that Carnation would go to the trouble of putting evaporated milk on their web site just to make me feel dumb, but still... What would anyone use that for? Are you supposed to pour it on your evaporated cereal? Or mix it with your evaporated coffee? Do you dip evaporated cookies in it? Come on, guys, what gives?

Sincerely,
Nick Tully

----------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Tully,

Thank you for contacting Nestlé. We welcome questions and comments from our consumers.

Nestlé Carnation Evaporated Milk refers to milk that has approximately 60% of the water removed by way of boiling it under vacuum. There are many uses for evaporated milk including in recipes, coffee, as well as quick meals like instant pudding and boxed macaroni and cheese.

For more ways on how to use Evaporated Milk please visit
www.verybestbaking.com click on Baking Recipes on the top border and click on Recipe Search. You can then select Evaporated Milk and all of the recipes that contain the product will appear. We hope you find this information helpful.

We appreciate your interest in our products and hope you'll visit our website often for latest information on Nestlé products and promotions.

Sincerely,
Jennifer Meininger
Consumer Response Representative

Letters To Buy.com

2007-12-05T23:28:00.002-08:00

Dear Buy.com,

I placed my order about a week ago and it hasn't shipped yet.
What gives?

Nick Tully

----------------------------------------

Hello Nick Tully,

Thank you for contacting Buy.com.

This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.

We apologize that the delivery of your order is taking longer than expected. Due to a setback from our supplier, item #202149884 on your order is currently on backorder.

We update our web site once every 24 hours. Occasionally, items run out of stock before we can update this information. We are working on providing more frequent updates in the future.

However, we do not have an estimated time of arrival. You will receive an email from us once the product you ordered ships. Since you have placed the order using Google Checkout, your account would be charged before your product is shipped.

We thank you for your patience in the matter.

Sincerely,

Veronica
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 34948329

--------------------------------

Dear Buy.com,

So as I understand it, according to your response, my shipment has been backordered for more than a week. But during this time, I had absolutely no idea. Know why? Because you folks at Buy.com didn't tell me. How come?

Nick Tully

-------------------------------

Hello Nick Tully,

Thank you for contacting Buy.com.

This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.

At Buy.com we strive to provide the widest assortment of high-quality products at everyday low prices. However, sometimes circumstances beyond our control affect our selection.

Please note that item was on backorder since the time you placed the order. We do not have an estimated time of arrival either. You will receive an email from us once the product you ordered ships.

If you do not want to wait for the item, you can request a
cancellation using the link below:

https://secure.buy.com/corp/support/guestordersearch.asp

We thank you for your patience in the matter.

Sincerely,

Kevin
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 34948329

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Dear Buy.com,

I guess my last email was unclear. My gripe is not against your selection of products or your prices, nor was I challenging the fact that my item was backordered.

All I'm asking, Buy.com, is how come you didn't tell me that my shipment wasn't coming?

Nick Tully

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Hello Nick Tully,

Thank you for contacting Buy.com.

This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.

We apologize that the delivery of your order is taking longer than expected. Due to a setback from our supplier, item #202149884 on your order is currently on backorder.

We update our web site once every 24 hours. Occasionally, items run out of stock before we can update this information. We are working on providing more frequent updates in the future.

However, we do not have an estimated time of arrival. You will receive an email from us once the product you ordered ships.

If you decide not to wait for this product, you may request for a
cancellation by visiting our Web site at:

http://www.buy.com/corp/support/login.asp?What=cancel

We are working on providing more frequent updates in the future.

Sincerely,

Larry
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 34948329

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Dear Buy.com,

I recently read that most Old Testament stories can be directly traced back to Sumerian myths. The Sumerians are the oldest known civilization of the ancient Near East, located in lower Mesopotamia. The earliest records date back to the middle of the fourth millennium, B.C., and continue through the rise of Babylonia, late in the third millennium, B.C. This bit of information, along with the fact that, outside of the Bible and Koran, there are no historical references to Moses and the Jewish Exodus, kind of affirmed my notion that, on the whole, people have been duped into religion. When otherwise religious people scoff and shake their heads at Mormons or Scientologists, it seems exceedingly ironic to me, the main difference being that they can point to who first spewed a Scientologist's bullshit. But maybe I'm just a self righteous know-it-all jerk, I don't know. What do you think?

Nick Tully

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Hello Nick Tully,

Thank you for contacting Buy.com.

This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.

We are eager to answer all your queries, but to do this; we need more information from you.

Please tell us in more detail how we can be of service to you?

Sincerely,

Richard
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 34948329

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Dear Buy.com,

This in reference to your email regarding order #34948329. I, too, am eager to have my queries answered, but after two attempts, I was only receiving the same one-size-fits-none form letter in response.My most recent letter was more to test your "Customer Service" - specifically, I wanted to see if anyone was actually reading my letters. Well, Buy.com, you failed the test.

However, since I am actually starting to have a little bit of fun with our correspondences, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you really are eager to answer my query. I will repeat it as clearly as I can : Why did I have to contact you to find out my shipment was backordered? Shouldn't you have told me as soon as you knew?

Please send me a real response this time.

Best,

Nick Tully

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Hello Nick Tully,

Thank you for contacting Buy.com.

This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.

We apologize that the delivery of your order is taking longer than expected. Due to a setback from the manufacturer, item #202149884 on your order is Temporarily Sold Out.

We update our web site once every 24 hours. Occasionally, items run out of stock before we can update this information. We are working on providing more frequent updates in the future.

However, we do not have an estimated time of arrival. You will receive an email from us once the product you ordered ships. Since you have placed the order using Google Checkout, your account would be charged before your product is shipped.

Our Customer Support Department is available via telephone 24 hours a day and seven days a week. Our toll-free phone number is 1-800-800-0800 (Press Option #3).

Please contact us with any further questions you may have. Your satisfaction is important to us.

Sincerely,

Enrique
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 34948329

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Dear Buy.com,

I hope our interaction over the past several days has been as fun for you as it has been for me. There was one thing I noticed in all of your replies; no, not the fact that every letter you've sent me has been nearly identical. I was actually thinking about how, in the five letters you've sent me, each one of them was written by a different "employee." This curiosity has raised quite a few questions that I'd like you to weigh in on.

First, how is it that so many of you folks at Buy.com have such a similar voice? I mean, being cordial is one thing, but all of these responses are written to a very specific form, almost verbatim. Is this part of their training? I, personally, am a fan of individuality. But, since you are a corporation, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you discourage it.

Second, how could my letters have reached five different people, and not one of them was able to identify or answer the one question I had? They kept telling me that my shipment was on backorder, but none of them could tell me why I wasn't told of this until I came a-calling. You really should have a talk with them, or maybe even double check their qualifications.

Third (and somewhat seriously), it's fairly obvious that you have some kind of automated customer service that identifies keywords in a letter, selects the pre-written response that is most likely to answer the question based on the selected keywords, and slaps a generic first name above the "Customer Service" title to make the customer feel like they're talking to a human. My question is how many female or ethnic sounding names are in the mix? So far, I've heard from Veronica and Enrique - is there a Tamika or a Keisha coming soon? How about a Darnell? Why not go old-school and throw a Mavis in there? How many non-white sounding names did you determine you needed in order to appear PC? (Sub-question - even though these are not real employees, do they count as Affirmative Action hires?)

Eagerly awaiting your reply,

Nick Tully

PS - If you need more black or hispanic sounding names, I can send
you a list.

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Hello Nick Tully,

Thank you for contacting Buy.com.

This is in reference to your email regarding order #34948329.

We apologize that the delivery of your order is taking longer than expected. Due to a setback from the manufacturer, item #202149884 on your order is Temporarily Sold Out.

We update our web site once every 24 hours. Occasionally, items run out of stock before we can update this information. We are working on providing more frequent updates in the future.

However, we do not have an estimated time of arrival. You will receive an email from us once the product you ordered ships. Since you have placed the order using Google Checkout, your account would be charged before your product is shipped.

Our Customer Support Department is available via telephone 24 hours a day and seven days a week. Our toll-free phone number is 1-800-800-0800 (Press Option #3).

Please contact us with any further questions you may have. Your satisfaction is important to us.

Sincerely,

Jenny
Buy.com Customer Service
www.buy.com
Order #: 3494832

Dear Lonny (whoever the hell you are)

2007-12-05T23:28:00.001-08:00

Dear Lonny,

I'm sure we don't know each other, as I think I'd remember meeting someone with a name as stupid as yours. And even though we're complete strangers and I just insulted you, I need to ask you a favor.

You see, it seems as though we have similar phone numbers. The reason I know this is because for the past several months, at a frequency of roughly once a week, I get a phone call intended for you. I use my phone a lot for work, and my monthly bill is costly enough with only the calls I NEED on it. Adding your friends' mistakes to it is becoming quite costly. That's not to mention the hassle of dropping whatever I'm doing, digging in my pocket to find my phone, trying to figure out who the hell is calling me, and fighting the urge to yell at them for making a stupid mistake.

So in order to make my everyday life less of a struggle and more cost efficient, as well as getting what I can only assume are very urgent phone calls directly to you, please consider the following suggestions:

1) Get a new phone number. I know it's a pain in the ass, and I would gladly do it myself, except, as I said earlier, I use my phone a lot for work, and I've been handing out my current phone number all over LA for about a year and a half. If I were to change it now, I'd essentially be starting over. Seeing as how you live in Leominster, I doubt you have anything important riding on keeping your number.

2) Get some smarter friends. I know Leominster is a small town, but I'm sure you could find at least a handful of people who can tell their asshole from their elbow.

3) Kill yourself. A little extreme, sure, but at least people would stop trying to call you.

Feel free to try out one or all of the above. Be creative - mix and match a little. Have fun with it! Or, if you're feeling up to it, come up with your own solutions. There are really no rules, so long as it results in your idiot friends no longer calling me. Good luck.

Best,
Nick

This Just In:

2007-12-05T23:27:00.001-08:00

Ninjas, pirates, robots and monkeys are not funny. For the love of God, stop using them as the default punchline for EVERYTHING. It wasn't funny the first time some asshole did it in junior high, and it will never be funny. The more you use these lame fallbacks, the more you affirm the increasingly popular notion that you are the least clever person everyone knows.

Spreading Holiday Cheer, 20 Contacts at a Time

2007-12-05T23:26:00.001-08:00

One thing the holiday season reminds me of is how lazy and neglectful technology has allowed us to become. And I'm not talking about microwaves or cars or high speed internet; I'm referring to text messaging. More specifically, the ever obnoxious "mass" text message. This is the generic message you get on every holiday that you're sure got sent to about 15-20 other people by this same person, at the same time.

Now it's not the text message that really bothers me so much - it's a pleasant thing to hear from someone on a holiday, not to mention the mini-thrill you get from receiving a text. No, what bothers me about it is just how goddamn insincere it really is.

Think about it for a minute. The claim would be, "I was thinking about you on Christmas, didn't you get the text message I sent you?" But what they're really saying is, "You're not important enough for me to actually want to talk to on Christmas, but while scrolling through my contact list, I found your name and decided I don't really hate you, so I added you as the 17th person that will read 'Merry X-Mas! MUAH!' on your cell phone."

You might be a very thoughtful person, and we might actually be close friends, but if you don't actually want to talk to someone on Christmas, don't half-ass it. It's perfectly obvious that it's not a personalized message, and the only person you're going to convince that you were being thoughtful is yourself. I'm not trying to be mean or make anyone feel bad, just stop with the nonsense already.

So if you sent me a message this holiday and didn't get a response, don't take it personally. It's just principle.

A Message From the Past

2007-12-05T23:23:00.000-08:00

I received an email from myself today, one that I apparently put in some kind of e-time capsule. So, I guess it's an email from the past. It read:

To: tully.nick@gmail.com
From: capsule@forbes.net
Subject: Welcome to the future! (you jerk)
Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2006 06:00:26 -0500 (EST)

Greetings from your past. In the fall of 2005, you agreed to receive
this message, which has been preserved for a year in the Forbes.com
E-Mail Time Capsule. For more details, visit http://www.forbes.com/capsule

Here is the text of your message:

you should go get a sandwich.

right now.

love,
nick

I don't really remember writing this email, much less putting it into a time capsule, but apparently not much has changed in me since the fall of 2005. I'm going to get a sandwich now.